Weep, Little Lionman 5/5

[1lostone]

Author: 1lostone
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, Background (non-explicit) Bones/Uhura Sybok/T'Pring (non-explicit)
Rating: Adult
Words: 21453 COMPLETE!
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
A/N: Thank you as always to jademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darke_wulf won a bid on me for the fandom_helps planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to jlm121 for all of the things.

Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green."  I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic.

Chapter Notes: This chapter unbeta'd.

Chapter 1  ||  Chapter 2  || Chapter 3  || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 ||  Ao3

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Chapter Warning: Kirk/ofc (briefly, non-specific mentions)


Transmission: Request. //00482AHG.01
To: James T. Kirk
From:  S'chn T'gai Spock

[Transmission Request: Denied.  ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S’CHN T’GAI SPOCK BLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST]
***
Things got better.

Bones didn’t talk to me for a month after I’d healed up. And, really after having sex for so long it wasn’t really so bad, considering. Spock had sprained my wrist, and I had had a lot of bruises and scrapes that were mildly humiliating to have Bones see. Bones had just ground his teeth together and had kept his biting remarks to a minimum.  And Spock was okay, so. Not really the worst thing I’d had to do in my life.

Painful? Yes. Humiliating? Oh my fucking god, yes. I still cringed whenever something from those two days popped into my mind. It wasn’t bad while I was in there, but going out, being face to face with Bones and an older version of the guy who had just fucked me into the mattress... ugh. It had been getting caught by my mom, only about eight billion times worse.

I hadn’t gotten the room to recover since Bones basically goose-marched me back to Sybok’s ship, but I did get a visit from a mind-healer. I never caught her name, but her cold gaze made Sybok practically stutter over himself with nerves. I had been on my bunk, looking up at the ceiling when she beamed onboard. Bones had refused to leave until everything was okay, and had sat there at my desk, staring at her. I had flinched away when she initially reached out, and she was professional enough not to make me remember the specifics. I didn’t remember Spock in my mind. Sybok had been clumsy and nervous, but her? I didn’t even have a memory of what happened.

It kind of freaked me out that Vulcans could fuck around with our heads so easily.  

But yeah. No more head trauma. She diagnosed me with basically what Sybok had said- Spock had bonded with me. She made it clear that it was a one-sided thing, in the sense that I was suffering because my poor human brain couldn’t keep up.  Funnily enough, I was not surprised at this. Just another way that Spock had fucked with me. For the first time since Spock and I had broken up, a numbness overtook me when I thought of him. I was just... done.  

So, so fucking done.

Bones had finally left and shit got back to normal.  It took me awhile, but I got over it. Maybe I finally grew up, I don’t know. Bones would say it was about fucking time. And ... me? I’d have to agree with him.

***

“Jimmy!”

“Hey, Chris.”

“Jesus, kid. You look different. That hair is definitely not regulation. You look like a pirate!”

I grinned, the grin widening even more when Chris stood up, limping over to me. The hug was unexpected, but nice.  “Well, the pirate business can wait for a bit. I got your message, though. I was dirtside for a bit to see Bones and Ny so I figured you wouldn’t care if I stopped by.” It was almost painful to force a cheery conversation. I hope I didn’t sound as awkward as I felt.

Chris was shaking his head, still smirking a little. “Have you seen that little twerp of theirs? She’s gonna be some serious trouble when she’s old enough. McCoy is probably already trying to find antique shotguns.”

“Just pictures. This is my first time back home in... hell.” I trailed off, a little surprised. “Wow. It’s been a year, I guess.” Something flicked over Chris’ face, some emotion that I didn’t quite catch. It put me on my guard though and all at once I remembered that yeah, he might be an old friend and all, but he was a high-ranking Admiral in Starfleet. His life was politics.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. I’m having a meeting in a few minutes, but.” Chris’ eyes widened as he looked at me. “Holy shit, Jimmy. You can… actually solve two problems for me. If you have the time.”

Yep. To say I was suspicious was putting it mildly.  I just raised an eyebrow.

“Do you know Jensen? The instructor?”

“You mean the dude who tried to make it his life’s work to skull-fuck our brains with how many things would go wrong once we got up in the black? That Jensen?”

“He’s due to give a lecture in twenty minutes on… well, okay I don’t actually know what it’s about, but it’s to a class just about ready to graduate. Mostly command track, although a few engineering slipped in there somehow.” As he warmed to his topic, Chris’ clear blue gaze darkened, narrowed on me. I felt like a butterfly pinned to a dartboard. “Please. Please tell me you’ll step in for me. I’ll buy you dinner. Come on…”

I was surprised that the thought was actually tempting.  I always did love an audience. That was only one of my many, many problems. I was nodding before I thought it the whole way through.  “I guess. That would be okay. They get me how I am though. No bullshit.”

“No bullshit. Jeez, you don’t even know. It’s like a freaking miracle or something. The only other person who was free is fucking Barnett, and I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone.”

I laughed.

I did go ahead and freshen up a little before I went to the lecture hall that Chris directed me towards. Still, I had to smother a snort. I looked a whole lot different from the ‘Captain James T. Kirk’ that they knew.  My hair was longer. I kept it tied back, but it definitely wasn’t the military haircut that most of them would recognize. I wore the same leather… well. I would say uniform, but I was starting to just think that Liz had a thing for guys in leather. These did really, really spectacular things to my ass. Sybok, the dick, had teased me about finally getting back in the saddle. Live it up. Do something crazy.

Funny.  Especially since he wouldn’t even think about doing anything too crazy—his beloved T’Pring wouldn’t approve.

I went the t-shirt route, with a leather jacket over the ensemble. The jacket had lived through phaser blasts a plenty, one kidnapping, and an electrical fire. I’d already made arrangements that I be buried in the goddamn thing.

Still, pirate wasn’t too far off the mark.

Ten minutes later, I had all of them in the palm of my hand. They were so fucking young, it kind of blew me away a little. I had one smartass ask me why, ‘if it was so amazing, why did I leave?’ that kind of made me flinch a little, but hey. I was pretty good at hiding it. An hour later I wound down and found myself walking back to Chris’ office, when he commed me.
          
           Hey, Jim. Will have to meet you at the restaurant. How about Talbot’s at 1800?

It didn’t bother me. I made a lot of credits doing what I did, but it was still nice to mooch a free meal once in awhile.  I killed some time talking to some of the kiddies,  got a few comm numbers that I didn’t bother to save. It gave me a weird feeling of nostalgia to jog down the steps to find a transport, but I made it with about ten minutes to spare.

Talbot’s was an old haunt of mine. It was modeled after an old-fashioned pub. I knew from old holos that people used to smoke in these places. It was one of the few places this close to campus where you could get live music, great food and cheap alcohol.

I found Chris and his corner table in the back with no trouble.  He’d already ordered the first round and yeah. It was nice to have some time to just relax with a beer in front of me.  Sybok was a lot of things, but one of them was not a dictionary definition of ‘relaxed.’ I guess that’s why it was such a kick to the face.

I saw the way Chris’ face shifted. There was a slight disturbance of air next to me, and then I could smell him. I knew that scent. At one point I knew that scent better than I knew my own. I used to tease him about Vulcan dryer sheets. His response? ‘Illogical. ‘Dryer sheets’ went out of usage several hundred years ago.’  

“Admiral Pike.” His voice was the same. The last time I’d heard him, he’d been feral. Unnatural. Now though, it was his usual Vulcan inflection. “Jim.”  My eyes drifted shut.

This was so fucking unfair.

I jumped up, my knee hitting the underside of the table with a thump that sent the beer sloshing over my glass. Other patrons glanced over, caught by the potential for drama here.

“No.” I spoke so quickly the word was just a squeak in my throat. “Not doing this. No. Hell no.” I stared, betrayed at Chris. “Fuck you.”

“Jim!” Anguished.

“Kid--” Frustrated.

I didn’t wait to hear their bullshit. I swiped my thumb absently to pay for the meal and walked out, with my head down. Not looking at anyone. The constant how could he? made me sick. I told myself that Chris couldn’t possibly have known... but that was bullshit. He approved both my and Spock’s transfer orders. Me might not have known the specifics, but he knew he was betraying my trust.  

The night was cool as I walked. It helped to offset the furious blush on my cheeks. My throat tightened when I heard the hasty footstep behind me, but I kept walking. I didn’t even know where I was going, and the fact that Spock was actually following me made me want to punch him. I took a left down a narrow street, than a right. I heard the club before I saw it, and with a shiver stopped dead in the middle of the street.

While I was Captain, I had been very, very careful of my image. No risky behavior. After Liz hired me, I had no real interest in anything even remotely approaching risky behavior. But with Spock following me? With the fact that he cared so little for me that he couldn’t even follow my one! request- that he just fuck off and leave me alone? Oh.. I was pissed.

I started walking- enjoying my anger. I knew I was being immature, and probably petty but I fucking wanted it. I wanted the anonymity of grinding up against some stranger, of dancing until my muscles trembled and burned with fatigue. I knew I’d have no problem getting someone to suck me off in a back room, an alley, and that? That fit my mood completely.

I blew by the bouncer with a smirk.  Within minutes I had stripped off the jacket and shirt. The club didn’t look to be a hole in the wall, and I took full service of the little coat check bot. Two minutes later I was out on the dance floor. I caught a few glimpses of Spock as I danced and each time fueled something in me. I wanted him to see me enjoying myself. I wanted him to see me grinding my ass into the guy behind me, making out with the girl in front of me. I was dripping with sweat and exhaustion by the time I stepped off the floor. I ignored Spock standing near the bar and ordered a water. It tasted so amazing that I grunted a little when it spilled on my chest. Still ignoring Spock I turned when a hand slid over my ass, smiling. Flirting. Enjoying myself.  I didn’t look back at Spock  when the girl I was dancing with led me out off of the dance floor. I didn’t care what expression was on his face- if he was angry or jealous or bored.

Jesus. I was such a fucking liar.

***
That was my big revenge? Disappearing with some random girl for ten minutes?

I brushed my teeth and spit out the toothpaste, feeling stupid.

We only had sonics on Sybok’s ship, so it was nice to stand here in the steam from my shower. I wiped my hand over the mirror and sighed.  Spock was likely where he’d been all night, outside my hotel room.  I’d been stalling in the shower, going back and forth on whether I really wanted to talk to him or not. (I didn’t. Fuck him.) Knowing that I needed some answers- or at least some explanations on why he acted the way he’d acted. Why had he lied to me? Why had he gone to such lengths to get rid of me? (I did. Fuck me, but I did.)

Sure I was... better now. If I carefully kept my mind away from certain areas. Bones had been so pissed that I helped Spock out with his  little pon far problem because he knew that I was an idiot. An Idiot for Spock. He knew that I must have forgiven him a little- a tiny, microscopic, smidge of a little- for me to have gone riding to Spock’s rescue. Huh. Riding.

The memory caused my whole body to tighten.

So a part of me knew that Spock was not one to give up. Even after all of this time, I just knew he would be waiting outside of my hotel room door, waiting for me to acknowledge him. Or waiting for me to ignore him again.  

I dropped the towel and sighed, walking naked to the bedroom and pulling on my clothes. What could be the worst that happened if I let Spock in? He’d talk. I’d listen and then I could tell him to fuck off. My lips quirked in a nasty smile. I really kind of wanted that; to watch his eyes while I told him to leave.  I wasn’t worried about Spock doing anything physical. The idea was laughable. So why had I put this off for so long? If just seeing him was supposed to give me some perverse sense of satisfaction, then why had I waited so long?

I sighed. “Shit.”

Before I could change my mind I ordered food for the both of us from long-standing memory.  Might as well be civil. I wasn’t the dickhead here.

I still found myself taking a deep breath and tugging nervously on my t-shirt before I opened the door.

Spock jerked, a shocked, graceless movement that was completely unlike him.  I raised an eyebrow. “Well. You might as well come in. I’ve had enough calls about you lurking outside.” I hadn’t. I was paying enough credits that I could hire a naked gaggle of dancing Orions and the staff wouldn’t bat an eyelash. With Spock in town I just hadn’t wanted to deal with answering Bones and Nyota’s questions. This was much easier, actually. The anonymous hotel room.

“Jim.” Spock visibly steeled himself, careful not to brush my body as he went into the room.  He hesitated for a split-second when he saw breakfast spread out, but gave no other outward sign.  Ignoring him, I crossed to my own chair and began eating. He sat down with his posture straight. We both kept our gazes averted, eating with bland enjoyment of the food. Well, I was. Spock... who knew. He was as closed-off as I had ever seen him.

I was just finishing my pancakes when Spock spoke, the timbre of his voice sending a jolt through me. “Were you aware that our mothers knew each other?”

My mouth dropped open slightly. I quickly shut it, blushed and swallowed the bite of pancake. Talk about out of left field. That had been so not what I thought he’d open with.  “No. Were they good friends?”

“It would appear that they did share a closeness, yes.”

Okay. Good to know. What the actual fuck? I sipped at my orange juice, blinking a little, still confused.

Spock was quiet for several more minutes. It was enough to weird me out.  Finally, when I had no more excuses of avoiding his gaze, I looked up to Spock’s direct gaze.

“Look, that’s pretty cool, but you really need to say what you want to say and. I just need to move on from... this. So if you could stick to the relevant parts, that would be great.”  Spock didn’t flinch when my voice turned sarcastic. “I don’t mean to sound like a drama queen or anything, but this has dragged on long enough.” I finally made myself stop talking.

Spock took a deep breath, visibly composing himself. “I have come to the conclusion that any wish I have to find the verbal acuity needed to somehow excuse my actions is illogical.”

Well, at least we agreed on something.  I sat back in my chair and tried to keep from nervously tapping my leg.

“And yet I have found myself leaving the colony to search you out. I believe the colloquialism is I ‘called in my last favor’ with Admiral Pike. I have spoken with both my father and my counterpart in regards to what my actions have caused to happen, yet they have no advice on how to begin to apologize to you.”

I blinked.  Apologize. Really?  “Why did you bond with me, then break it off like that? I mean, maybe I completely misread everything, Spock. I had to have done, because I couldn’t actually believe what happened. I mean.. I always thought I was a pretty decent judge of character.”  I shoved a bite of food into my mouth, again using it as a prop to stop my stupid fucking mouth.

I looked up just in time to catch Spock’s lowered gaze. “I was not aware that I had.”

I nodded. I’d figured that out ages ago. That had helped, actually. Helped me not feel like I was completely worthless.

“In the history of Vulcan, there have been five cases of unintentional mind-linking with a potential mate. Five, Jim. None of those with a human.”

“Sybok said that a mind-link was something like the end-all be-all of Vulcan need. that mind compatibility is more important to a Vulcan than ... well. Than anything.”

“To some, yes.”

“To some?” That didn’t sound right. Sybok had been pretty damn certain. The looks he darted at T’Pring said how absolutely beyond blessed he felt to have found her. Again.

Spock tilted almost imperceptibly forward, a slight shift of his body that most people wouldn’t notice. It was like a sigh on anyone else. “Mind compatibility is. I do not.”  Spock’s lips tightened slightly.

Holy shit. This was better than a holovid. Seeing Spock this discombobulated was pretty fucking awesome.  

Sometimes I really was not a very nice person.   I’d be eating fucking popcorn if I wasn’t so full. But still, some part of me must have felt sorry for him because I threw him a bone. “Okay. so you didn’t know that we were linked. Have you ever studied the effects of a broken mind-link on the other party? You... it hurt, Spock. I didn’t understand that part of what was so fucked up was that you had literally skull-fucked me. I mean... just because you’re sorry about it, or you regret it or whatever doesn’t change the fact that it happened. Sybok says that I was doing the mental equivalent of bleeding out.”

“Kindly cease your mentions of my bro--.” Spock’s brows lowered just enough as he snapped out the order, biting off the end of the word. “I. I did not mean that.”

“Huh. Bones was right. You do know how to lie.”

Spock’s shoulders curled in on himself. “You are. Correct. I find that I am less than... content with your repeated mention of my sibling.”

I raised my eyebrows. Interesting. Rather than beat a dead horse, I changed the subject. “Okay, so what the fuck was up with the way you blindsided me? I mean, what. You can’t break up like a normal person? You had to have your dad do it for you?”

“Jim. Again, my explanations have no immediate possibility of excusing my actions. Since my mother’s death, my father is very ... adamant about the purity of his bloodline.  He views Sybok’s idiosyncrasies as a personal affront. You are well aware that until I chose to go to Starfleet Academy, I had never gone against my father’s ideals. Often at the expense of my mother’s wishes. He had doubts about your ... compatibility. That a union between two men would not have a chance of procreation. With our race so decimated...”

“You agreed.”

Spock nodded once, jerkily.  I stared down at my fork, my mind whirling. On Earth, we’d finally gotten to the point where for most of her citizens, being with the same sex wasn’t seen as an issue. If two men or two women wanted a child, they could have one using many different methods of conception or medical technology.  While I was aware of the stigma that some cultures still put on same-sex unions, but it never even occurred that Vulcans would be one of them, with all their beliefs of mental capability and cool logic.

So much for “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.”

“So, you were... uncomfortable with your attraction to me?”  I was trying to understand, honest. But it was baffling.  That did make his insistence on finger kisses and chaste hugs make more sense though.

Spock opened his mouth. Thought for a second. Closed his mouth. “Yes.”

“And then instead of just telling me, you what. Had your dad break up with me? Throw my past in my face? Kind of a dick move, man.” I picked up my glass to chug the rest of my orange juice. That was an understatement.

“I do believe the dick move came later.”

I choked on my orange juice.

Spock’s lips twitched.  

“Yeah. You could say that. So we’re not going with the embarrassment reigns supreme and not mention the epic fucking?”

“You saved my life. There is nothing that I can do to repay you for that gift, Jim.”

I completely had to bite my tongue to keep from snarking about gifts that keep on giving. So not what I was going for during this conversation.

“So, I take it you’re okay with the ... uh.” My mind stalled on the label. Gay? Bi? “fact your body wanted me of all people during your pon far?”

“I am.”

I squinted. “And what, you’re here to hope that I can just forget all the bullshit you put me through while you figured it out? Most people do that when they’re teenagers, Spock!”

Spock’s gaze fell to the table again. I could see the bright-green flush at the top of his ears.  Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Something T’Pring said came back to punch me in the face. Vulcans who hadn’t had their first mating cycle were considered teenagers, maturity-wise. Sure, that might be a little skewed with Spock’s mixed heritage, but fucking hell. I leaned forward, burying my face in my hands. For me- I’d been in my first epic love affair. Fallen in love, and fallen so, so hard. For Spock? He was still trying to figure out who he was. Or at least he had been. “You know, and I fully understand the irony of this statement, a lot of this could have been avoided if you would have just told me what was going on.”

“I am aware.”

I stood up and cleared the table, sending everything to the recycler.  

“I’m supposed to be at Bones and Ny’s right now. To be honest... I need to think about this. I need to think about this a lot, Spock. Thank you for your explanations, but--”

“I do not have any expectation out of this conversation, Jim.”

Oh. Okay.  I blinked. I didn’t know what my expectations were. I didn’t know much of anything now. I mean, it was nice for us to hash this out, but now what?

Spock stood and I watched as he fought not to lean towards me. I took a rather obvious step back, and Spock snapped to his more familiar  parade rest. “I have accepted a position teaching at Starfleet. If you would wish for any further communication, will you contact me?”

“I.” Would I?  I couldn’t say for sure. “I don’t know, Spock.”

Spock nodded, as though he expected it. Maybe he had. “Please give my regards to Nyota.” He very carefully didn’t mention Bones, which was kind of hilarious when you thought about it.  

“Okay. Will do.” I rocked back on my toes, feeling weirdly energetic. I can’t say what made me do it. Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was just what I needed. But I reached over and hugged him, a quick brush of bodies that left his breath stuck in his throat and my own stupid heartbeat slamming against my ribs. “Goodbye, Spock.”

He stood stiffly. I took the hint and let go, stepping back with a small smile. I could tell that he wasn’t offended; just shocked. I suppose that made sense.  He turned and left, his gait calm and smooth as you’d expect from someone like Spock.

But before the door shut completely, I heard the whispered, “Goodbye, my Jim.”


****

Epilogue


[Transmission Request: Modified. ALL TRANSMISSIONS FROM S’CHN T’GAI SPOCK UNBLOCKED VIA USER REQUEST]

Transmission: Request. //1348752JM
To:  S'chn T'gai Spock
From: James T. Kirk

Spock,

I never thanked you for the letters. I don’t think I’d ever heard my mom talk like that, and it was neat to read my dad’s responses, and your mother’s responses. Weird to think that we almost knew each other before we knew each other, but whatever. I don’t particularly want to know what you had to do to get them from your dad, but tell him I appreciate it.

Before you ask, Sybok and T’Pring had a baby boy. I wanted to name him Herman, but I think T’Pring was less than amused at my attempts at humor. Of course, I know she loves me. But I do understand where the whole matriarchal controversy thing comes from. Jeez. She can be scary when she wants to. I think my balls are still hiding from the look she gave me.

Bones says that your classes are probably the most filled at the Academy.  I’m glad that you’re doing well. I didn’t think I would be, but I am. You’ve fixed the Kobayashi Maru, right? Or does my record still stand? ;)

Sorry for the complete inaneness of this comm. I know it’s probably making your eyebrow twitch or something. But, I did want to mention that I’m going to be dirtside in a few months. I’m hoping in time for Jojo’s birthday. Would you be interested in  meeting me for dinner?

Jim

Comments

[catangel70.livejournal.com]

Really enjoyed this, what can I say I am an angst junky. That being said the hopeful note this ended on brought a smile to my face. What Sarek and Spock did was beyond cruel but Jim is exactly the type who can survive and thrive after experiencing the worst life has to offer. Thanks for sharing and here's hoping you will revisit this verse in the very near future.

[lovingjtk.livejournal.com]

I like this story a lot. It has all my favorite k/s ingredients: an engaging and in-character story, k/s (of course!), lots and lots of angst, hurt Kirk (a most!), well written pon farr scene and, above all, a clever twist to a cliche. I hate some stories where Spock hurts Jim immensely and then, in a blink of an eye, Jim forgives him and they live happily ever after. This is what made this story so good and set it apart from others: Spock hurts and humiliate Jim deeply and Jim needs real time to forgive and trust him again. At the end of the story we have a glimpse of the healing process already beginning hinting to a possible sequel. Good work 1lostone!!! It was a real pleasure to read such a refreshing and realistic story as this one and I hope you write a sequel to it!!!!.

[darke-wulf.livejournal.com]

This is fantastic! You truly, truly spoiled me!! Also, I apologize for the lack of comments on the prior posts. Work has been taking over my life the last couple of months, leaving me with precious little (bordering on none) spare time. I'm only just starting to get back to trying to catch up on what I've missed. Thank you again for this great story!!!

[1lostoneficspot.livejournal.com]

Thank you again for donating. I was really, really nervous that you wouldn't like it. <3. Let me know if you ever want anything else, lol!

[itsjustgwen.livejournal.com]

Wow! Really enjoyed this angsty story. I'd love to read a sequel.

[1lostoneficspot.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised that people want more in this 'verse, but I will certainly consider it!!!

[1lostoneficspot.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you so much for this1!! Seriously, I'm going to read and reread this comment and possibly snuggle it and give it a reacharound buy it jewelry. :D

I have had a lot of requests for a sequel, which honestly surprises me. I know that Spock wasn't "in" this story very much- or while he was his perspective was skewered. What would you like to see in a sequel?

[1lostoneficspot.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! What would you like to read in a sequel?