Weep Little Lionman 1/?
Jun. 25th, 2012 01:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
1lostoneTitle: Weep, Little Lionman
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
1lostone
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, Background (non-explicit) Bones/Uhura
Rating: Adult
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
A/N: Thank you as always tojademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darkewulf won a bid on me for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fandom_helps[Bad username or unknown identity: ]planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to my cheerleaders: jlm121 and ninjaboots for the occasional kick in the ass. Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green." I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic. This is a WIP, and I will be sticking to a update once a week schedule. I'm already at about 15k, so it's leaning towards the epic side. If that's not your thing then bail now. ♥
George- I’m not sure about this. I know when we signed up for the ‘Fleet, we thought that it would keep us together for always. I don’t mean to complain, but my new roommate is... well, Tiberius would call her a long-tail cat lost in a room full of rocking chairs. She does something with linguistics I think. She’s kind of a complete stick in the mud. I mean, you and I both study and stuff, but she’s practically made it her religion! I don’t know if she’s a complete bitch or if she’s just super shy. I can hear you now; telling me not to make judgments. Blahblah. Save your breath. I’m going to invite her to go to the commons. I mean, she’s been here for two weeks and we hardly know each other. All I really know is that her name is Grayson. Amanda Grayson…
Love, love love as always you have my heart forever.
Win
***
You would think that with all the shit I’d seen serving as one of the most incredible Captains in Starfleet history, this sort of stuff wouldn’t faze me.
Not true. I was so nervous that I felt like I was about to piss myself. I watched them file in, moving with the smallest amount of movement possible, almost appearing to glide across the floor with that inherent gracefulness that all Vulcans possessed. It made my mouth go dry with nerves. Spock was staring rigidly ahead. He’d gone completely well… Vulcan, for lack of a better word. He hardly seemed to breathe. A statue of purely rigid, Vulcan propriety.
When Spock had said that there was a ritual involved in meeting his dad before we became officially betrothed, I kind of thought we’d be meeting for some Plomeek and a nice Chianti over the dining table or something. Not anything like this. Eight Vulcans, all of whom I vaguely recognized from various diplomatic functions, stood on a raised dias, decked out in full High-Council regalia. Between the eyebrows and the beaky looking noses, I felt sort of like a tender little mouse surrounded by a field of very hungry hawks.
My communicator buzzed. I ignored it with a small wince. I’d meant to turn it off, but had forgotten with all the craziness. The small sound caused Spock to actually look over at me, eyebrow twitching with displeasure at the interruption. I licked my dry lips and tried for a smile, but I don’t think I made it. Fuck, this was nerve-racking. Spock didn’t acknowledge me, looking back towards the Council and waiting patiently for them to speak.
Since Vulcan’s destruction almost five years ago, the remaining survivors had found a planet almost at the far end of the quadrant. They had gone from one of the founding members of the Federation to practically becoming complete isolationists in only a few short years, withdrawing from the Federation almost completely. Spock was currently the only Vulcan still directly involved with Starfleet. I know his family had been putting a lot of pressure on him to quit and join the colony. That was part of the reason I was only now getting around to meeting Sarek in a non-official Starfleet capacity. Hell, the only other time I’d seen the guy, he’d had to call off his son from strangling me to death. Still, having him look down on me like I was something nasty on his shoe was a little much. Well not that a Vulcan would--
“James Kirk.”
I jolted, then looked up. Not one of the faces gave me any hint of what they were about to decide, but I just couldn’t shake the faint feeling of … wrongness. I felt like I did when a mission was about to go from ‘interesting’ to ‘so fucked up Bones wasn’t going to let me out of Sickbay for a week.’ That sort of intuition is what kept me sharp; kept me as Captain of the Federation’s Flagship.
I nodded, bowing slightly in acknowledgement. Sarek took a slight step forward, and I felt the feeling solidify into straight-up tension.
“I have advised my son to break from this most illogical joining between the two of you. His refusal of his duty to his people is a detriment to our success as a colony. Were he to break his mindlink with his betrothed and join with you in the way of our people, the bloodline of the House of Surak would further deteriorate--”
Break his mindlink with his betr-what?! I blinked, then the rest of Sarek’s words hit me.
“Deteriorate? Explain.” What the fuck was it with Vulcans and calling out people’s shit in front of a captive audience?
“Your… emotionalism. Your blatant disregard for our traditions and values. My son informs me that your personal life is rife with congress of a sexual nature with several different partners. While you have an exemplary service record, you do so with a chronic disregard for protocol and indeed, the very chain of command that your military organization holds as paramount.”
I blinked, Sarek’s words like a punch to the fucking balls.
“May I respond?”
“This is not necessary, James Kirk. Sarek has informed his son of his wishes, and Spock has agreed to our advisement. Your appeal, such as it was with your...contribution, will be severed. For what it is worth, you have our… regrets in this matter. We are not unaware of your contributions to our race; however the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.” I knew from holos that it was T’Pau that was speaking to me, but I think I was too shocked to really completely take in the enormity of what she’d said. Before I could gather myself, seven of the eight had filed out, leaving only Spock, myself and Spock’s father in the room.
I turned to my first officer, part of me still reeling from the shock of them saying no. I mean, I thought there’d be some issues. Some stuff we’d have to compromise on. Not… this flat-out refusal. When I tried to speak I couldn’t make the words come out. I had to try again. Pursing my lips made the cracked skin sting.
“Sp-- Spock?”
Spock turned, continuing to hold his body as rigidly as the Vulcan statue outside the breezeway. The off-ness of his posture screamed that something was very, very wrong. I reached out automatically, my fingers stretching out in the Vulcan version of a kiss, looking … hell. I don’t know what I was looking for. Some kind of acknowledgement that Spock thought this whole thing was just as fucked up as I did, maybe. Proof that we’d laugh about this later over dinner.
Spock actually flinched, turning away from me and walking towards his father, who was still waiting by the door.
“Spock!” My voice was wrecked.
Spock stopped before the door slid open, speaking with his back to me.
“Captain. You once told me that you would never come between me and my heritage. Please know that this decision was
not… made lightly.”
I took a step after him, ignoring the way Sarek stepped behind his son as though he needed protection. “But—
“Goodbye, Captain. You will see that the Admiral approved my leave, effective immediately.” He turned, flashing the ta’al. Spock’s face was still completely and utterly blank. Not even his eyes gave me any hint that he was upset over what the Council had said. “Peace and long life.”
“But—“ My mind was still stuck on the impossibility of Spock leaving voluntarily. My communicator buzzed again. I was so on edge that I fumbled with it, dropping it onto the floor. I looked up once, hope an almost bright burst of flavor on my lips when I heard the soft footstep against the stone floor. It made the realization that it was Sarek, and not his son staring down at me even more bitter. My communicator buzzed again, and before I could twitch in its direction, Sarek had his hands on my head. A heartbeat later, I shivered, blinking owlishly as I watched Spock’s father leave the chamber. I took a step and my boot clicked against something. My communicator. I scooped it up, feeling like I had missed something very important.
I stood there for several minutes, going over what had just happened in my head. The shock was starting to give way; a feeling of hurt so sharp that I felt like I’d taken a phaser blast to my chest taking its place. This… this wasn’t some decision that had been forced onto Spock. This was a decision that Spock had made about... about us. Without telling me. Without even discussing it with me.
On auto-pilot, I hailed the Enterprise. While part of me wanted to run after Spock and demand what the fuck was going on, the rest of me damn well knew. I wanted peace and quiet to think, to process what had just happened. I didn’t want to be on this planet anymore, or I’d be tempted to blow the protocol out of the water and go find Spock to demand some answers.
“Aye, Cap’n? Little early isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I’m ready. One to beam up please.”
“But what about Comm-“
“Scotty.” He stopped in mid-word. It still made me flinch. “One to beam up. Energize.”
“Aye, sir.”
The same microsecond of falling into nothingness, and I appeared back on my ship. Scotty looked mildly curious for a minute. I’d gotten very good at keeping my face blank. I forced a smile and had taken two steps forward out of the transporter room doors when I heard the unmistakable click of heels. I felt my gut tremble, and for a second I was afraid of what Nyota would do.
Of course. While I’d been on the planet being completely blindsided, she’d probably been handling Spock’s transfer. I jerked my head once, and she fell into step besides me, carefully not touching me. Out of habit, I slowed my stride so that she could keep up with me. In the later months of her pregnancy, Nyota tended to waddle if she was made to walk too fast, and as it was usually worth more than your life to mention that little fact, it was easier just to slow down a tad so that she could walk shoulder- to- shoulder. How she did it in the heels though was just beyond me.
We were silent on the lift. Silent as we passed hers and Bones’ quarters, Spock’s.... I must have made some sound in the back of my throat, because Nyota brushed one finger against the back of my hand, and the simple gesture made my throat tighten. The communicator buzzed in my hand again, and again I ignored it. When my door hissed open to reveal Bones frozen in mid-pace, my lip trembled and I had to blink back tears.
Those came later when Bones wrapped his arms around me, Nyota behind me with her belly nestled into the curve of my spine.
They clung to me, not saying anything while I shook.
~*~*~*~*~
I don’t think they realized that I could hear them. Bones didn’t really have a quiet voice. He had ‘Cranky.’ ‘Cantankerous,’ and ‘Downright Pissed off, Jim.’ Even when he was being gentle, he did it loudly. Bones said it came from working with damnfool morons. Idly, I wiggled my big toe. The blanket had pulled up to my ankles, leaving my toes slightly cold. I was too numb to rearrange the blanket, and too drained to fix the environmental controls.
Nyota and Bones had put me to bed. Bones had given me something to calm me down, which normally I wouldn’t have taken. I hated not being in control of my own emotions, but fuck. The gaping chasm of this... it wasn’t just pain. I’d had my heart broken before. I was a little afraid of what was lurking on the other end of this careful numbness.
“--- I don’t care! Goddamnit, Nyota.... “ My own throat hurt when I heard Bones’ voice break. “That fucking hobgoblin was already betrothed! So what was the last year with Jim, then, huh?”
Nyota’s response was a murmur.
When I had told them what had gone on on the colony, both had looked at me like they were waiting for the punchline. I didn’t have one.
“Leonard.”
I couldn’t quite see them from my bed. It was easy to picture their easy intimacy though.
It had taken Nyota the better part of three years to wear the stubborn ass down, but once Bones finally allowed himself to admit that he desperately wanted what she was offering, they’d had me marry them almost immediately. Bones wasn’t one for public displays of affection, so when they allowed me to intrude- to see the way he would cradle her stomach and kiss it good morning, or how she would trail one finger over the wrinkle he got in the middle of his forehead when he’d been working too long on too little sleep, it made me feel less like a third wheel and more like I was privileged to be allowed to see part of their private life.
There was a small shuffle of sound, and a small thump. Bones would have insisted that his wife sit down. He’d be pacing of course, his hair getting more and more crazy as his fingers pulled it out of the part he’d worn for most of his life with every frustrated step.
“I know.. but. How are we gonna fix this?” I’m pretty sure that all three of us knew ‘this’ meant ‘me.’
I rolled over, trying to regain the floaty feeling from before. Bones must have heard me, because I heard his footsteps a few seconds later. The bed dipped and I felt his hand on my forehead. The tightness in my throat spread to a burning in my eyes, and I bit my lip. All of the sudden, I missed my mom so fucking much that it hit me like a shot to the gut.
“You okay, kid?”
I snorted and Bones flicked me on the ear.
“Don’t give me your sass now. You know we’re gonna get you through this.”
I nodded and Bones’ hand slid to my shoulder, then off to the mattress to prop him up as he made himself comfortable. Nyota sat down on the other side, stripping off her boots and curling into me. I told myself I wasn’t jealous when their fingers slotted together.
“Why didn’t he just... tell me? Why bring me down there and. Jesus, it was fucking .... they were all looking down at me. I’m there all fucking giddy, thinking I’m about to have Spock in my mind again but..shit, Bones. His dad was in my face about the people I’d fucked around with before we got together! Isn’t that some fucking irony? I did everything Spock wanted. Everything. We didn’t touch, we didn’t really kiss, we... courted.Like Vulcans. I wanted it to mean more to him, so I tried to keep it with his traditions. And the bitch of it was that I didn’t mind! I felt so fucking lucky to have him that...”
I trailed off. Nyota rubbed her sharp chin on my shoulder, and Bones made the frowny face that made me feel like he had a shotgun hidden somewhere and was about to go all ‘Outraged Daddy’ on someone. Sometimes I think he forgot that he was only a few years older than me. The numbness leaked away, leaving me biting the inside of my cheek so that I wouldn’t fucking lie there and cry. My communicator buzzed again, and Bones leaned over me, stretching to the small nightstand and handing it to me. He knew I’d be glad for the interruption. The thing was, I knew who was trying to get in touch with me. I’d been avoiding her calls-- well, because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do. When she’d first pitched the idea, I was surprised at the initial spurt of intrigue I’d felt. Honestly, I’d said no because I couldn’t imagine not being out here in the black with Spock by my side. Now though...
My lips tightened as I ruthlessly suppressed the gut-churning feeling of hurt brought by just thinking Spock’s name. I ignored the call, knowing I could just check my comm messages later, but the feeling of wallowing in my own patheticness was starting to get to me.
Spock broke up with me. So what. I had captainy shit to do, and wasn’t going to let personal shit get in my way.
Nyota must have sensed my feelings - it was fucking creepy that she knew me almost better than I knew myself sometimes- because she eased off, rolling on her back so that her gigantic tummy nudged my ass before she got situated. It was worth it just to zone out of my brain and the endless repetition of what...why... why... just...sleep.
**
Winona- You know I love you but really, I need you to respect my decision on this. You’ve been my dearest friend almost since our first cup of tea together over a year ago. Do you really think that I’m going to forget you? Sarek has never explicitly said that he wishes for me to move to his planet, yet I feel that it is one way that I can please him. We have lived on Earth for a year. It seems only fair for me to give Vulcan a whirl. That sound frivolous, but you know I’m being anything but. Winnie, Sarek explained that there are scientists who can help me with conceiving! I know that kids aren’t in your future, but you know how much I want this. How much I want him. And how much I want a child. Please, Winnie. Be happy for me.
--Amanda
Next
Author:
1lostonePairing: Kirk/Spock, Background (non-explicit) Bones/Uhura
Rating: Adult
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
A/N: Thank you as always to
jademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darkewulf won a bid on me for the fandom_helps[Bad username or unknown identity: ]planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to my cheerleaders: jlm121 and ninjaboots for the occasional kick in the ass. Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green." I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic. This is a WIP, and I will be sticking to a update once a week schedule. I'm already at about 15k, so it's leaning towards the epic side. If that's not your thing then bail now. ♥George- I’m not sure about this. I know when we signed up for the ‘Fleet, we thought that it would keep us together for always. I don’t mean to complain, but my new roommate is... well, Tiberius would call her a long-tail cat lost in a room full of rocking chairs. She does something with linguistics I think. She’s kind of a complete stick in the mud. I mean, you and I both study and stuff, but she’s practically made it her religion! I don’t know if she’s a complete bitch or if she’s just super shy. I can hear you now; telling me not to make judgments. Blahblah. Save your breath. I’m going to invite her to go to the commons. I mean, she’s been here for two weeks and we hardly know each other. All I really know is that her name is Grayson. Amanda Grayson…
Love, love love as always you have my heart forever.
Win
***
You would think that with all the shit I’d seen serving as one of the most incredible Captains in Starfleet history, this sort of stuff wouldn’t faze me.
Not true. I was so nervous that I felt like I was about to piss myself. I watched them file in, moving with the smallest amount of movement possible, almost appearing to glide across the floor with that inherent gracefulness that all Vulcans possessed. It made my mouth go dry with nerves. Spock was staring rigidly ahead. He’d gone completely well… Vulcan, for lack of a better word. He hardly seemed to breathe. A statue of purely rigid, Vulcan propriety.
When Spock had said that there was a ritual involved in meeting his dad before we became officially betrothed, I kind of thought we’d be meeting for some Plomeek and a nice Chianti over the dining table or something. Not anything like this. Eight Vulcans, all of whom I vaguely recognized from various diplomatic functions, stood on a raised dias, decked out in full High-Council regalia. Between the eyebrows and the beaky looking noses, I felt sort of like a tender little mouse surrounded by a field of very hungry hawks.
My communicator buzzed. I ignored it with a small wince. I’d meant to turn it off, but had forgotten with all the craziness. The small sound caused Spock to actually look over at me, eyebrow twitching with displeasure at the interruption. I licked my dry lips and tried for a smile, but I don’t think I made it. Fuck, this was nerve-racking. Spock didn’t acknowledge me, looking back towards the Council and waiting patiently for them to speak.
Since Vulcan’s destruction almost five years ago, the remaining survivors had found a planet almost at the far end of the quadrant. They had gone from one of the founding members of the Federation to practically becoming complete isolationists in only a few short years, withdrawing from the Federation almost completely. Spock was currently the only Vulcan still directly involved with Starfleet. I know his family had been putting a lot of pressure on him to quit and join the colony. That was part of the reason I was only now getting around to meeting Sarek in a non-official Starfleet capacity. Hell, the only other time I’d seen the guy, he’d had to call off his son from strangling me to death. Still, having him look down on me like I was something nasty on his shoe was a little much. Well not that a Vulcan would--
“James Kirk.”
I jolted, then looked up. Not one of the faces gave me any hint of what they were about to decide, but I just couldn’t shake the faint feeling of … wrongness. I felt like I did when a mission was about to go from ‘interesting’ to ‘so fucked up Bones wasn’t going to let me out of Sickbay for a week.’ That sort of intuition is what kept me sharp; kept me as Captain of the Federation’s Flagship.
I nodded, bowing slightly in acknowledgement. Sarek took a slight step forward, and I felt the feeling solidify into straight-up tension.
“I have advised my son to break from this most illogical joining between the two of you. His refusal of his duty to his people is a detriment to our success as a colony. Were he to break his mindlink with his betrothed and join with you in the way of our people, the bloodline of the House of Surak would further deteriorate--”
Break his mindlink with his betr-what?! I blinked, then the rest of Sarek’s words hit me.
“Deteriorate? Explain.” What the fuck was it with Vulcans and calling out people’s shit in front of a captive audience?
“Your… emotionalism. Your blatant disregard for our traditions and values. My son informs me that your personal life is rife with congress of a sexual nature with several different partners. While you have an exemplary service record, you do so with a chronic disregard for protocol and indeed, the very chain of command that your military organization holds as paramount.”
I blinked, Sarek’s words like a punch to the fucking balls.
“May I respond?”
“This is not necessary, James Kirk. Sarek has informed his son of his wishes, and Spock has agreed to our advisement. Your appeal, such as it was with your...contribution, will be severed. For what it is worth, you have our… regrets in this matter. We are not unaware of your contributions to our race; however the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.” I knew from holos that it was T’Pau that was speaking to me, but I think I was too shocked to really completely take in the enormity of what she’d said. Before I could gather myself, seven of the eight had filed out, leaving only Spock, myself and Spock’s father in the room.
I turned to my first officer, part of me still reeling from the shock of them saying no. I mean, I thought there’d be some issues. Some stuff we’d have to compromise on. Not… this flat-out refusal. When I tried to speak I couldn’t make the words come out. I had to try again. Pursing my lips made the cracked skin sting.
“Sp-- Spock?”
Spock turned, continuing to hold his body as rigidly as the Vulcan statue outside the breezeway. The off-ness of his posture screamed that something was very, very wrong. I reached out automatically, my fingers stretching out in the Vulcan version of a kiss, looking … hell. I don’t know what I was looking for. Some kind of acknowledgement that Spock thought this whole thing was just as fucked up as I did, maybe. Proof that we’d laugh about this later over dinner.
Spock actually flinched, turning away from me and walking towards his father, who was still waiting by the door.
“Spock!” My voice was wrecked.
Spock stopped before the door slid open, speaking with his back to me.
“Captain. You once told me that you would never come between me and my heritage. Please know that this decision was
not… made lightly.”
I took a step after him, ignoring the way Sarek stepped behind his son as though he needed protection. “But—
“Goodbye, Captain. You will see that the Admiral approved my leave, effective immediately.” He turned, flashing the ta’al. Spock’s face was still completely and utterly blank. Not even his eyes gave me any hint that he was upset over what the Council had said. “Peace and long life.”
“But—“ My mind was still stuck on the impossibility of Spock leaving voluntarily. My communicator buzzed again. I was so on edge that I fumbled with it, dropping it onto the floor. I looked up once, hope an almost bright burst of flavor on my lips when I heard the soft footstep against the stone floor. It made the realization that it was Sarek, and not his son staring down at me even more bitter. My communicator buzzed again, and before I could twitch in its direction, Sarek had his hands on my head. A heartbeat later, I shivered, blinking owlishly as I watched Spock’s father leave the chamber. I took a step and my boot clicked against something. My communicator. I scooped it up, feeling like I had missed something very important.
I stood there for several minutes, going over what had just happened in my head. The shock was starting to give way; a feeling of hurt so sharp that I felt like I’d taken a phaser blast to my chest taking its place. This… this wasn’t some decision that had been forced onto Spock. This was a decision that Spock had made about... about us. Without telling me. Without even discussing it with me.
On auto-pilot, I hailed the Enterprise. While part of me wanted to run after Spock and demand what the fuck was going on, the rest of me damn well knew. I wanted peace and quiet to think, to process what had just happened. I didn’t want to be on this planet anymore, or I’d be tempted to blow the protocol out of the water and go find Spock to demand some answers.
“Aye, Cap’n? Little early isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I’m ready. One to beam up please.”
“But what about Comm-“
“Scotty.” He stopped in mid-word. It still made me flinch. “One to beam up. Energize.”
“Aye, sir.”
The same microsecond of falling into nothingness, and I appeared back on my ship. Scotty looked mildly curious for a minute. I’d gotten very good at keeping my face blank. I forced a smile and had taken two steps forward out of the transporter room doors when I heard the unmistakable click of heels. I felt my gut tremble, and for a second I was afraid of what Nyota would do.
Of course. While I’d been on the planet being completely blindsided, she’d probably been handling Spock’s transfer. I jerked my head once, and she fell into step besides me, carefully not touching me. Out of habit, I slowed my stride so that she could keep up with me. In the later months of her pregnancy, Nyota tended to waddle if she was made to walk too fast, and as it was usually worth more than your life to mention that little fact, it was easier just to slow down a tad so that she could walk shoulder- to- shoulder. How she did it in the heels though was just beyond me.
We were silent on the lift. Silent as we passed hers and Bones’ quarters, Spock’s.... I must have made some sound in the back of my throat, because Nyota brushed one finger against the back of my hand, and the simple gesture made my throat tighten. The communicator buzzed in my hand again, and again I ignored it. When my door hissed open to reveal Bones frozen in mid-pace, my lip trembled and I had to blink back tears.
Those came later when Bones wrapped his arms around me, Nyota behind me with her belly nestled into the curve of my spine.
They clung to me, not saying anything while I shook.
~*~*~*~*~
I don’t think they realized that I could hear them. Bones didn’t really have a quiet voice. He had ‘Cranky.’ ‘Cantankerous,’ and ‘Downright Pissed off, Jim.’ Even when he was being gentle, he did it loudly. Bones said it came from working with damnfool morons. Idly, I wiggled my big toe. The blanket had pulled up to my ankles, leaving my toes slightly cold. I was too numb to rearrange the blanket, and too drained to fix the environmental controls.
Nyota and Bones had put me to bed. Bones had given me something to calm me down, which normally I wouldn’t have taken. I hated not being in control of my own emotions, but fuck. The gaping chasm of this... it wasn’t just pain. I’d had my heart broken before. I was a little afraid of what was lurking on the other end of this careful numbness.
“--- I don’t care! Goddamnit, Nyota.... “ My own throat hurt when I heard Bones’ voice break. “That fucking hobgoblin was already betrothed! So what was the last year with Jim, then, huh?”
Nyota’s response was a murmur.
When I had told them what had gone on on the colony, both had looked at me like they were waiting for the punchline. I didn’t have one.
“Leonard.”
I couldn’t quite see them from my bed. It was easy to picture their easy intimacy though.
It had taken Nyota the better part of three years to wear the stubborn ass down, but once Bones finally allowed himself to admit that he desperately wanted what she was offering, they’d had me marry them almost immediately. Bones wasn’t one for public displays of affection, so when they allowed me to intrude- to see the way he would cradle her stomach and kiss it good morning, or how she would trail one finger over the wrinkle he got in the middle of his forehead when he’d been working too long on too little sleep, it made me feel less like a third wheel and more like I was privileged to be allowed to see part of their private life.
There was a small shuffle of sound, and a small thump. Bones would have insisted that his wife sit down. He’d be pacing of course, his hair getting more and more crazy as his fingers pulled it out of the part he’d worn for most of his life with every frustrated step.
“I know.. but. How are we gonna fix this?” I’m pretty sure that all three of us knew ‘this’ meant ‘me.’
I rolled over, trying to regain the floaty feeling from before. Bones must have heard me, because I heard his footsteps a few seconds later. The bed dipped and I felt his hand on my forehead. The tightness in my throat spread to a burning in my eyes, and I bit my lip. All of the sudden, I missed my mom so fucking much that it hit me like a shot to the gut.
“You okay, kid?”
I snorted and Bones flicked me on the ear.
“Don’t give me your sass now. You know we’re gonna get you through this.”
I nodded and Bones’ hand slid to my shoulder, then off to the mattress to prop him up as he made himself comfortable. Nyota sat down on the other side, stripping off her boots and curling into me. I told myself I wasn’t jealous when their fingers slotted together.
“Why didn’t he just... tell me? Why bring me down there and. Jesus, it was fucking .... they were all looking down at me. I’m there all fucking giddy, thinking I’m about to have Spock in my mind again but..shit, Bones. His dad was in my face about the people I’d fucked around with before we got together! Isn’t that some fucking irony? I did everything Spock wanted. Everything. We didn’t touch, we didn’t really kiss, we... courted.Like Vulcans. I wanted it to mean more to him, so I tried to keep it with his traditions. And the bitch of it was that I didn’t mind! I felt so fucking lucky to have him that...”
I trailed off. Nyota rubbed her sharp chin on my shoulder, and Bones made the frowny face that made me feel like he had a shotgun hidden somewhere and was about to go all ‘Outraged Daddy’ on someone. Sometimes I think he forgot that he was only a few years older than me. The numbness leaked away, leaving me biting the inside of my cheek so that I wouldn’t fucking lie there and cry. My communicator buzzed again, and Bones leaned over me, stretching to the small nightstand and handing it to me. He knew I’d be glad for the interruption. The thing was, I knew who was trying to get in touch with me. I’d been avoiding her calls-- well, because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do. When she’d first pitched the idea, I was surprised at the initial spurt of intrigue I’d felt. Honestly, I’d said no because I couldn’t imagine not being out here in the black with Spock by my side. Now though...
My lips tightened as I ruthlessly suppressed the gut-churning feeling of hurt brought by just thinking Spock’s name. I ignored the call, knowing I could just check my comm messages later, but the feeling of wallowing in my own patheticness was starting to get to me.
Spock broke up with me. So what. I had captainy shit to do, and wasn’t going to let personal shit get in my way.
Nyota must have sensed my feelings - it was fucking creepy that she knew me almost better than I knew myself sometimes- because she eased off, rolling on her back so that her gigantic tummy nudged my ass before she got situated. It was worth it just to zone out of my brain and the endless repetition of what...why... why... just...sleep.
**
Winona- You know I love you but really, I need you to respect my decision on this. You’ve been my dearest friend almost since our first cup of tea together over a year ago. Do you really think that I’m going to forget you? Sarek has never explicitly said that he wishes for me to move to his planet, yet I feel that it is one way that I can please him. We have lived on Earth for a year. It seems only fair for me to give Vulcan a whirl. That sound frivolous, but you know I’m being anything but. Winnie, Sarek explained that there are scientists who can help me with conceiving! I know that kids aren’t in your future, but you know how much I want this. How much I want him. And how much I want a child. Please, Winnie. Be happy for me.
--Amanda
Next
