Chapter11 /12
Apr. 11th, 2010 06:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
1lostoneAuthor:
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1lostone Pairing/Characters: K/S, mentions of other relationships
Rating/Category: NC-17
Universe: ST Reboot
Wordcount: 53,447k (out of roughly 60k before betad... give or take)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. *eyeballs mortgage* Clearly.
A/N: Well, we're moving along here. Yeah, some people have guessed that some of the characters in the TOS episode Conscience of the King- only it's a redux version. And by redux, the characters are quite a lot more... evil... than in the original. *shrug* :D Thanks as always to
yesterday_girl and ladyblahblah for letting me ask them the most random of questions and being damn awesome. Warnings: H/C, Angst, Longfic, Attempts To Write Plot, Use Of Every Fandom Cliche Since The Dawn Of Time
Chapter 1 ~~ Chapter 2 ~~ Chapter 3 ~~ Chapter 4
~~ Chapter 8 ~~ Chapter 9 ~~ Chapter 10 ~~
The bite mark on his shoulder stung.
Jim shook his head a little, not sure how long he had been standing there in the hot water. He was ashamed at how his body had responded again while he remembered. He started to touch himself, but the memory of the disgust Spock felt as he rolled off the bed hit him all at once, and he jerked his hand away, ashamed.
There was so much steam in the room that he couldn’t see outside of the glass door of the fresher. He blinked as water ran into his eyes and reached for the shampoo and soap. His mother had always laughed at him for his insistence on using what she called ‘an old fashioned beauty regimen’ but Jim actually preferred it when he could. Water wasn’t in that short of supply, and if he wanted to take a long, hot shower, then damnit he was the captain and would.
Well, not that he would be the captain for much longer.
He took a shaky breath and squared his shoulders, washing the shampoo out of his hair. Enough dicking around. He needed to talk to Uhura, and send a message to the Ambassador. Then he needed to talk to Karidian. He also had to find Erica and Kev. Jim’s pulse skyrocketed as he remembered his orders. God, how could he have forgotten them, even for a moment? Most of all, he needed to talk to Spock. His apology might not mean much, but Jim was desperate to give it to him. He would…
There was a whistle of sound at the bathroom door. From Spock’s side of the bathroom door.
Jim thought his knees were going to collapse.
The whistle sounded again, even more insistent. If a door chime could be insistent. Okay, so maybe Jim was projecting. He shut off the water, proud that his hand was only shaking a little. He reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist, stepping out of the shower.
“Enter.”
The door swished open and Spock was there, looking his usual implacable self. They stared at each other for a moment and then spoke at the same time.
“Your shower of twenty-seven point five minutes would seem to indicate you are unwell.”
“Spock. I… I don’t even know where to start, but I need to say this…”
Spock held up his hand and gave a small shake of his head. “The fault was not yours. You had no control over your actions. Please do not concern yourself over semantics.”
Semantics?! Jim almost dropped the towel.
“We have much to discuss. My ship’s duties are in effect until the end of the beta shift. Will you be available then to speak?”
“I. Yes. Of course, Spock.” Jim reached out to him without thinking. When Spock flinched away from him, Jim felt his heart give a tiny flutter. Well what did you expect? Idiot. “I am so fucking sorry, Spock.” His voice broke, the steam from the shower swirling around him in the draft from the open door, causing him to shiver a little.
“There is no reason to be sorry.” Spock hesitated at the door. “Captain, I deeply regret my own actions. I acted illogically and those actions culminated in the… events that followed. We do have much to discuss.” Spock looked back at Jim as he repeated the last sentence. He kept his gaze on Jim’s chest, unable or unwilling to look him in the eyes. Jim could see that he was bothered, despite his words; Spock fairly twitched in place as his desire to leave fought against his desire to speak.
Jim also turned to walk out into his own room, to spare Spock being put into an uncomfortable position again. He was so confused. Spock hadn’t even mentioned the bond. Was it even a bond? Did it really mean what Jim had been told or guessed from his xenocultural studies? He took a deep breath and slung the towel over on his bed. He walked to his closet and got dressed, avoiding the Starfleet uniform, and instead finding a pair of jeans and one of the black undershirts that went under his gold shirt. They were comfortable as hell. It was the actual command shirt that seemed to be a blend of every itchy fabric in the galaxy. He found some boots and quickly dried his hair.
“Kirk to Lieutenant Uhura.”
“Uhura, here Captain. Glad to have you back. We were a little worried about you.”
Jim blinked.
“Captain? I’m in my quarters. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but your place or mine? I don’t think what I have to say would do either of us any good if it were overheard.”
Well, lovely. That sounded a lot like: ‘I know what you’ve been up to and I don’t want witnesses to your grisly death.’
“Sure. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
Jim left his quarters and made his way to Uhura’s. They weren’t too far away from his. He was too preoccupied to do much more than smile and nod to the passing crew members he saw on his way, before announcing his presence. The doors wooshed open and he stepped inside, feeling more than a little out of his depth.
He wanted to look around and simultaneously look at the floor so as to not make eye contact. Her room was decorated in various shades of blue and purple. Jim could see some sort of musical instrument in the corner, and what looked like several different types of statues collected on a shelf near her bed. His eyes quickly darted away from her bed. Shame warred with nausea in his stomach. Their friendship was so tentative that when he broke it Jim was pretty sure that it would never be a way to fix it again. He gave himself the mental equivalent of a slap on the face and looked up, smiling at Uhura as she typed in something on her console.
“Hello, Captain.”
“Uhura.”
She gestured to the table and Jim made his way over there, sitting down. Uhura looked a little nervous.
Which was just all flavors of weird.
“Thanks for meeting me. I was guessing that you haven’t heard yet. About my conduct unbecoming.” She spun in her chair and looked directly at him, although Jim noticed that she was playing with the end of her ponytail.
Jim blinked. “Your conduct? No, Spock didn’t … ah, get a chance to fill me in. What did you do?”
She sat down, playing with the tablecloth. “The thing is, sir? I’m not really sorry for punching her.”
“You punched someone?” Jim thought for a moment that maybe he was still lost in his head somewhere, dreaming.
“Yeah, I was afraid Spock was going to kill her. He was sort of... growling, and she was nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake with all her taunts. I mean who taunts a Vulcan? … And, well, I had time to think, ‘this chick needs to shut it’ before wham! My fist sort of found her face. Hard.” She showed him her first two knuckles which were faintly bruised. She grimaced at them and tried something approximating a smile towards Jim.
Jim’s brain had stalled at the idea of Spock growling, and it took him a minute to catch up with the rest of the conversation. Clearly, from his reaction some of that drug must still be in his system. He shifted in his seat, more uncomfortable than ever. “O..kay. So you put the smackdown on... whom exactly?”
“That crazy bitch. Karidian.”
A flood of memories hit him at her mention of that name. Karidian’s smile as she flirted with him in the dingy bar. The look she gave her father as she handed him over to Kodos. The way she had been there, watching when he woke up. How tightly she had tied his gag. Jim shook his head, aware that he was starting to sweat. “You knocked her out?” Was his voice breathier than normal? He could feel his heart start to beat faster. His mouth seemed extremely dry.
“Yeah. One punch.”
“That is... the sexiest thing I ever heard. I should put a commendation in your file.” Trying to sound like ‘Jim Kirk’ when he was feeling the beginning stirrings of another panic attack was rather ironic, he thought.
It was Uhura’s turn to blink.
Jim swallowed his dry throat. “Okay, so Karidian is on my ship? In the brig, I presume?”
“Yes. I made sure of it when Spock hightailed it out of there. He was really worried about you, Captain. Are you okay? You’re sweating a little.”
“I’m fine. I think with the circumstances your exploration of… differences between a subordinate and yourself can be overlooked. It sounds like I have a lot to thank you for.” I really wish you’d call me Jim.” He took a deep breath, and another, forcing the fluttery burst of panic back into the dark place it lived. He did not have time for this now.
“Keep wishing. And don’t thank me. Spock was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
Jim winced. “Ah. Well, anything you’d like to tell me I would be happy to hear.”
Uhura snorted and stood up, crossing to the replicator and ordering some food. “Well, I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say. Do you want something to eat? You look a bit pale.”
That was the understatement of the century. Surely it couldn’t be a good sign if she was stalling. “Sure. Whatever you’re having.” He ignored her concern about his health.
He watched as she programmed her choice. It wasn’t that he was checking her out, exactly. He’d pretty much gotten that out of his system once she had made it clear that she was with Spock. He had a moment of complete cowardliness. Spock had said that there was nothing to apologize for. Maybe he was planning on telling her what he’d done so that Jim wouldn’t have to? That did seem like him; he’d been really protective of him since finding him on that ship. Jim sighed. Surely he could quit being such a girl and spare Spock at least that.
Jim was interrupted from his inner thoughts, smiling a little when Uhura turned around and he saw the two club sandwiches on a plate in one hand, and what looked like two brown bottles in the other. He wasn’t really hungry, but she looked so proud of herself.
“Crispy. Bacon.” She said this in the tones of someone who had just discovered an entire new world. “Scotty figured out how to get the replicator to give you specifics.”
“Never underestimate the focus of a Scotsman and his pursuit of sandwich nirvana. What’s in the bottle?”
“Taste it.”
Jim raised an eyebrow (not nearly as high or as impressively as Spock could, but in his mind it looked much more debonair) and tried a small sip.
“Root beer? Wow, I’m coming over for dinner more often!” He took a large gulp, loving the taste as it bubbled in his mouth.
Uhura chose that exact moment to speak. “I think Spock has bonded with you.”
Jim chocked on the root beer. The bubbles were not nearly as tasty when they came back up through his nose. What the fuck, could people ever talk about bonding when he wasn’t drinking something? He glared at her, the effect somewhat ruined by his face, covered in the sweet drink and bright red from coughing.
She was talking quickly as though she wasn’t sure that she could get all the words out. “He keeps talking of this ‘residual’ bond, and that doesn’t make any sense. He said he could sense you, and you could sense him. I don’t know what caused it, but those things don’t just go away. I know you probably know nothing about what a Vulcan bond means, so I thought that I would try to give you a crash course.”
“Wait, you want to help me to bond with your boyfriend? Uhura you have no idea how despicable that thought even is; no idea what I’ve done to him. Believe me he wants nothing to do with me.”
He watched Uhura's eyes narrow at the word 'despicable'. Uhura deliberately finished her little triangle of sandwich and wiped her mouth and held up one finger. “One. He hasn’t been my boyfriend for months now. But he is my friend and the two of you seem to be complete idiots about getting anything sorted out between the two of you. Obviously you need help. Lots of help. Two. I can imagine what you’ve done to him. You were on shore leave. You didn’t have any way of knowing that he could feel it when you have sex with someone. You are bonded. That doesn’t go away, and whatever denial land Spock was living in it probably didn’t shield him from it. So, yeah you might think you've done something 'despicable', but he will understand." She smiled a little. "He's pretty logical that way. And three.” She took a sip of root beer and then cocked her head so that her brown eyes met Jim’s wide blue ones. “He’s wanted something with you for a long time.”
Jim just sat there, staring, not sure what part of her speech to process first. He absently took another sip of root beer. “How does everyone know about this bonding deal but me? Did I miss out on some sort of extra-credit class at the Academy?”
“Um, not exactly. I asked his mother.”
Jim realized he was sitting there with his mouth open. He shut it with a small ‘pop’ of sound. ‘You really do go after something directly, don’t you.”
Uhura blushed. “Spock had the same reaction when I told him. But Amanda was very helpful. I mean, she was the first Human to ever marry a Vulcan! She’s definitely the expert on the subject. Her vids were actually kind of hilarious. She explained to me about the history and customs and… well. I think I can help you if you want me to.”
“Uhura are you trying to set me up with Spock?” Jim wanted to be clear on this subject.
Uhura laughed. “Captain, you’ve bonded to the only Vulcan-Human hybrid in existence. Trust me; you’re already ‘set up’ with him. I’m just trying to help so that you don’t kill each other.”
“And that’s not weird for you?”
She looked away from him and down at the table. “It… maybe. I don’t love him like that anymore. But I don’t want him hurt.” Her eyes were piercing as they caught his. “I know you, Jim Kirk. Without my help, you will do something stupid.”
His stomach clenched. “You’re acting like we’re in love with each other or something. We’re not. Yeah, maybe we have this bond thing, and maybe we don’t. I can’t feel him right now, anyway so it hardly matters.” He stood up, hand clutching the root beer hard enough that his knuckles were white. It was too late. He had already done something stupid; something beyond shitty and… he had to get out of there. Now before he started crying or something other pathetic thing. “Look, thanks for the lunch. I have to go.”
“Wait a minute…at least let me send you some stuff. Will you promise to read it at least?”
Jim nodded, set down the bottle and left feeling every inch the coward he was as he scurried back to his quarters, unable to face her for a single moment more.
He staggered against his desk, holding onto it for dear life as he felt his chest start to close. His stomach wasn’t happy with the choice of food, and for the second time in as many hours he just barely made it to the toilet before getting sick. He grabbed his towel from his earlier shower and wiped his mouth, not wanting to move too much from the floor. He sat there a moment, breathing slowly, trying to get his body back under control.
When he was smaller, the panic attacks had been much worse. In school, when he had been about sixteen, one of the counselors had taken him aside and shown him how to slow his breathing, center himself, becoming hyper aware of every breath that he took, every heartbeat, every pulse of blood in his system. It helped to remind him of who he was and that had kept the panic attacks away. That trick worked now, but did nothing for his mental state which fairly whirled around; thoughts beating against one another. He’d thought that meeting with Uhura would be bad because of her reaction to what he had done. And he hadn’t even had the courage to explain the specifics. What she had told him had only confirmed what he knew: that what he had done was unforgivable.
Only Spock didn’t seem too worried about it.
He acted as though he had been at fault and not Jim. For the first time, Jim allowed himself to think about what they would talk about when Spock got off of his shift in few hours. Spock had seemed jumpy. Well, for Spock anyway. And how horrible was this whole situation for him, anyway? Being bound to someone who had hurt you? Who would probably hurt you again? Uhura had been right. He would fuck this up; hell, he had fucked it up already. During their tentative friendship, Jim had very carefully tried to keep his more lascivious thoughts away from his First Officer. True, he hadn't had all that many, but occasionally the low light in his quarters would show his cheekbones just so, or he would say something in that prissy way he had that would crack Jim up, and he would think, 'if only'....
But Spock had Uhura, Spock wasn’t into men, and he for damn sure wouldn’t be unprofessional enough to take sport in a little off-hours fooling around with his captain.
Because everyone knew that Jim didn’t do commitment.
And everyone knew that Spock didn’t do casual.
So how must it be for Spock to know that he was tied to Jim…permanently? And, even more horrifying, to know that it was a mistake. A stupid mistake made with consequences that were so far-reaching that he’d be feeling them for the rest of his life.
Jim rubbed his forehead. Getting sick had given him a headache. Plus, he was exhausted. He got up from the bathroom and washed his face and hands, brushing his teeth and tossing the towel in the laundry.
He looked at the chronometer.
Maybe he had time to contact the older Spock? If there was any way to break this thing, it would be great to at least have some good news for his Spock when they met later.
There was a beep from his console as he thought of it, and he crossed to his chair and sat down, entering his personal code for his messages. A message from Uhura: ‘Vulcans for Dummies’. Cute. He scanned through it, noticing with very little surprise that it was extremely well-organized and well-written. It wasn’t very long, detailing the specifics of much of the history of Vulcan before Surak. There was some information that had been written by Amanda Grayson- mostly little anecdotes about Spock as a child, no different from what any mother would share. It was very clear how much she loved her son. He made a mental note to give Spock a copy of the transmissions.
Jim stared at that for several moments. He had tried to apologize to Spock when they were on their little jaunt in his mind, but really there was no way to take back the horrible things he had said. Jim swallowed hard, his dry throat making a little clicking sound, a phantom remembrance of Spock's hands around his throat. He read on.
There was some mention of Vulcan anatomy being fairly close to Human anatomy (Jim actually blushed when he remembered how close), but different enough that Spock had been the first of the hybrid created. There were a couple of mentions of sensitive areas: the hands and ears were apparently quite responsive, which explained why Spock had been appalled at him trying to reach out and grab his hand when in his quarters a few days ago.
There was an entire section on bonds, and bonding, but nothing that he didn’t already know except that it was based on compatibility. Jim pursed his lips as he read the last part over again. The strength of a Vulcan’s bond with his or her bondmate was almost completely dependent on how attuned the two were. Jim winced. In respects to the Enterprise, they were a well-oiled machine. They complimented each other’s idiosyncrasies almost perfectly. Spock was there to keep Jim from flying off the handle as he settled into the rigors of command. Jim liked to think that he helped Spock learn how to accept some of his own humanity. They seemed pretty damn compatible.
He sighed, logged off and sent a quick thank-you to Uhura for taking the time to send him the information. Then he used the code Ambassador ‘Salkek’ had given him when he wanted to contact the Vulcan across space. It took a few minutes to connect through all the subspace frequencies, and Jim pressed his fingers to his temples to try to stave off the headache he felt pounding behind his temples.
“Jim. I trust that you are well.”
Spock’s rich voice filled the room, causing Jim to smile as he opened his eyes. “I wouldn’t say ‘well’ exactly, old friend.” Again, Jim couldn’t explain why he felt so at ease with this man, when he was usually at such odds with his younger self.
Spock raised an eyebrow. “Were there complications from your time here on New Vulcan?”
Jim had the horrible urge to laugh outright. “You could say---“he trailed off as something occurred to him. It clicked into place with the certainty of the ship sliding into a spacedock. Spock was an expert on Vulcan minds and the bonds they shared with their bondmates. There was no way that he would have a made a mistake when breaking a bond. Spock had alluded to the fact that his counterpart did not make mistakes when it came to this particular subject.
Jim’s eyes narrowed. “Why you sneaky son of a bitch.”
Spock’s lower lip twitched in a way that Jim took to understand that he found his statement hellaciously amusing. “I assure you that my mother was not a member of the canine family.”
Jim leaned forward, eyes narrowing even further as he put it together. “You didn’t break the bond! What, did you hide it somehow? That would explain that whole ‘residual effect’ thing. Spock thought it was broken when in fact you had just done some sort mind trick.” His voice lowered as he stared at the viewscreen, not really seeing the man who was sitting there, the ghost of amusement still on his face.
“So why can’t I feel him now? Why was I able to…” He squeezed his eyes shut as he once again remembered the wild look on Spock’s face as Jim had looked up the length of his body before swallowing him back down. “Why would you do that?” The question came out in a whisper.
Spock’s expression turned slightly smug. The slight emotional tells were never overt, but just imperceptible enough to suggest what Spock was actually feeling. Jim still found the differences between the two Spocks fascinating. He couldn't help but compare the two.
“The bond was there, formed by my counterpart at a time when you were… compromised. It would have been illogical to sever such a connection at a time when you both were in need of its comforts. Your timeline’s Kodos’ actions had scarred your psyche, Jim. My younger self acted quickly, and perhaps foolishly, but kept you from splintering apart. What is the logic in doing away with something that has the potential to bring both of you such joy?”
Jim wasn’t sure what expression his own face was showing, but Spock frowned at him. “Explain what you mean by the fact that you ‘can’t feel him’ now.”
Jim jumped up, anger burning deep inside him. “What do you mean, explain? You manipulative old bastard, you should have just broken it when he asked you to! Now I’ve done… I …” Jim ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated. “I hurt him! Me. He was so disgusted by the thought of being with me that he actually… fucking dammit!”
Jim was leaning forward when he heard the other Spock’s calm, “Please explain your statement. You should be able to feel your bondma—“, and he cut off the connection with a particularly sharp punch of keys.
Oh fuck. This was so beyond fucked up.
He sat down again, holding his head in his hands. His headache was worse. It felt like he could feel the pounding in his back teeth. Jim was a little leery of going to see Bones before he had a chance to explain what happened. The headache was bad, sure but the feeling of him jamming hypospray right into his neck was much worse. Especially after the last thing Bones had had to say to him, he wasn't interested in any deep conversations with his best friend.
He went to the replicator and ordered himself a coffee. It appeared in a blue mug, and he held it gratefully, the heat seeping into his hands. Enough. He couldn’t think about this anymore. He was still on leave for another day and a half, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t start accomplishing some of the things he had left to do.
He quickly pulled up the file for Kevin Riley and found where he was staying on the planet.
“Hey, Jimmy!”
Jim had to smile. “Still up for that dinner?”
“Ooh, Captain. It sounds like you’re asking our boy on a date, here.” The sultry voice sent his eyebrows up to the top of his head. Kevin’s face turned quite red.
“Erica?!”
The sound of smoky feminine laughter and she leaned into view of the small viewscreen. She was beautiful. Tall, with deep black hair and smiling hazel eyes. Her body had the willowy, supple grace of a dancer.
Kevin’s grin was sheepish. “I told you we saw each other a lot. Um. I actually just… asked her to marry me.”
Jim’s eyes widened. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day!” It was. “How about this. Maybe you two can have a little honeymoon, courtesy of the USS Enterprise. The thing is, we need to talk. Even if it’s only for a day or so, I’d like you two where I can see you.”
“Jimmy, Starfleet was exceptionally vague about what has been going on. Can you tell us?” Kevin gasped. He darted a glance at his fiancé. The muffled giggle drew Jim’s attention to the fact that he couldn’t see Erica’s hands. His lips twitched. The look on her face was the blandest of innocence, but the look in her eyes was positively wicked.
“Maybe that should wait until I can tell you in person.”
“Ohhh, ah. I mean, yeah. Maybe.” Kevin’s voice was slightly hoarse. Jim had to bite his cheek.
“Look, I have your coordinates. I’ll just have a security team beam down there and escort you back to the ship when you’re ready. I don’t want to lose track of you now that I’ve found you again. We had tried to reach Erica before your shuttle landed and hadn’t had much luck.” Jim realized that neither of them were listening to him. Ah. “So, have fun. And I’ll see you in a couple hours.”
Erica spared an impish look at the screen, then she disappeared out of view altogether. Jim had just a second to see Kevin’s eyes practically bug out of his face, which was turning a very interesting shade of red, before he cut off the communication. Jim contacted security and sat back in his chair feeling slightly better about life in general. Those two had been so cute. The idea of Kodos getting his hands on either one of them filled him with a spurt of anger so strong it caused him to wince.
He sighed, looking over at his bed. He still had to meet with Spock and Karidian in a few hours. He had just enough time to take a nap. His body craved rest. Jim sipped his coffee, yawned and made his way over to his bed. It didn’t take him long before he was out, the echo of Erica’s giggles making him smile faintly into his pillow.
Chapter 11.2 (curse you, lj. You suck!)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 03:16 am (UTC)YAAAAAY IT'S DONE THERE WILL BE SEX AND SNUGGLES AND SCHMOOP!
*joins in the victory dance, then runs off to read*
no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 11:16 am (UTC)I have just noticed you have not only updated but finished...I have to go out now, this is killing me, so I shall read and give feed back when I get back.
Thank you!!
no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 10:37 pm (UTC)