![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
1lostoneTitle: Weep, Little Lionman
Author:
1lostone
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, Background (non-explicit) Bones/Uhura
Rating: Adult
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
A/N: Thank you as always to
jademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darke_wulf won a bid on me for the 
fandom_helps planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to my cheerleaders: jlm121 and ninjaboots for the occasional kick in the ass. Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green." I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic. This is a WIP, and I will be sticking to a update once a week schedule. I'm already at about 15k, so it's leaning towards the epic side. If that's not your thing then bail now. ♥
Chapter Notes: This chapter unbeta'd.
Mandy,
I can’t believe it!!! Two weeks!?? Two weeks and you get to see my graduation! I’ve already made a list of all the places you can take me and George, since you’re the wife of royalty and all. Yes, they’re all expensive. I even found one that is a vegany, vegetabley Vulcany place. It’s called Surak’s Garden. (I laughed. Don’t lie, so did you.) Yeah, I’m eating rabbit food for you. I don’t know how the hell you’re going to raise a baby without a little meat in you. Although, I guess you had a little meat in you to have the baby in the first place- ha ha. You better be smiling. I bet you don’t hear all that many jokes surrounded by all those Vulcans! George says I’m classless and crass, and I just told him that it was all his fault. If he hadn’t left me, then you would never have moved into my dorm....
--Win
**
They tried.
But they didn’t know how to handle me after losing everything. Oh I tried. I tried to keep my shit together, but ... well. Let’s just say that recent events made making some decisions that I had been putting off for several months much, much easier to put in perspective. Not even Chris could talk me into signing away another five years of my life to Starfleet.
Scotty had given me a gruff hug. Sulu had fingered his First Officer insignia, biting his lip. He didn’t much like how he’d gotten the promotion. Nothing that I said made him believe that he was a damn fine XO. the new Captain had beamed onboard a few hours ago. If I couldn’t be on the bridge- Number One was just about the only person that I could trust to keep my Silver Lady together and pointed in the right direction. Sulu had kept his goodbyes short, still uncomfortable. I made a mental note to comm him later when it didn’t feel like I was pulling my heart out of my chest.
I couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t be here. They needed someone strong- and I.... I wasn’t...
Wasn’t...
Just wasn’t. Full stop.
Chekov was the last to see me off.
He’d grown up a lot in the past five years, but fucked if I didn’t still see the same big eyes and ridiculously young looking grin that had endeared him to the entire ship, even though it was obvious that he had been crying. Pavel was taller now, and had grown into the cheekbones and shoulders. He had practically caused a ship-wide mutiny when he’d cut off his curls on his eighteenth birthday. Now as he stepped back and shook my hand I could see his lip tremble only a little. I had a weird flash of giving him his Lieutenant pin and him making kind of the same overwhelmed, kicked puppy face.
“You will keep in touch, yes? It is wery important.” At the ‘wery’ my own jaw twitched, and the wave of what the fuck was I doing? was so strong that I had to bite the inside of my cheek for a second so that my voice wouldn’t crack. “I… Sir. Your friends know why it is that you leave us. But you must not … I mean that…” Chekov broke off, looking distressed. The ensign manning the transporter coughed. We both looked over at him, me in gratitude and Chekov with something very close to frustration.
“Yeah. Don’t worry. Bones’ll be around. He won’t let me do anything too stupid.” Pavel nodded and clutched at my hand again.
“You are.. you are sure that this is what you wish? It does seem wery strange not to have you as my Captain, Captain.”
My forced smile was more like a grimace.
“Me too, kid. Look.” I held out my hand. “I’m supposed to have a meeting in a few hours. I need to get ready for it, okay? Get checked in, find out if my plants are still alive, you know.”
Both Chekov and knew that I didn’t have any plants. Still, Chekov squared his shoulders, nodding. He took a step back and I nodded to the ensign, ready to make my escape. I saluted, and watched as Chekov rolled his eyes. The familiar sight made my lips quirk in a ghost of a grin, then the familiar bright lights took me away.
I rematerialized at the familiar spaceport. Seeing all the hustle and bustle made me cringe for just a split second. After the Enterprise, the cacophony of people talking, the hum of luggage carts floating placidly behind their owners, the outerworldly sound of announcements being repeated in ten different Federation languages made me blink in stupification. I took a deep breath, then another.
My communicator beeped and I jolted. A passing attendant grabbed my shoulder, polite concern clear on his face.
“Sir?”
His touch made my skin crawl. I forced a smile, trying not to let on that it felt like something was crawling across my wrist where he’d reached out to steady me. It was weird. Since... everything, it was like I couldn’t stand to be touched. It had only been four months. Even Bones had noticed before he and Nyota had left. The three of us had technically entered the ‘Fleet at the same time, but my rank made me have to jump through several more hoops before I could get the hell out of Dodge. Plus the fact that they were both planning on teaching at the Academy instead of cutting all ties probably had an effect as well.
Bones had been concerned, but had kept it (mostly) behind his teeth. The only fight we’d had had stemmed from Bones threatening to ‘tear the green-blooded fucker a new one’ on one of my bad days; days where it was a struggle to get out of my bed. A struggle to give a fuck about the job that I loved. A job that I had no interest in anymore.
“Fine, sorry.” I was doing it again. It had become increasingly more difficult for me to focus on simple things. The nausea made me blink, struggle for a second to remember why this guy was talking to me.
“It can be a little overwhelming.” The attendant smiled a polite smile and I forced myself not to cringe back as I nodded, muttering something about needing to meet my shuttle.
I had made Bones promise that he wouldn’t send Spock anything, not being brave enough to tell him that I had tried. And tried. And tried. All of them came back with a cool Vulcan voice informing me that ‘my ongoing instance on forcing communication was the height of illogic.’ Which, okay. That had Sarek’s influence all over it. But even I had gotten the message eventually.
It was that more than anything that made me realize that it was time for me to get the hell out of Starfleet.
The shuttle was almost uncomfortably quiet after the unpleasantly busy spaceport. I made my way to a seat and collapsed, tilting my aching head against the headrest. My communicator chirped at me, and I had to chuff a laugh at Bones’ name on the display. I had stopped thinking it uncanny a few years ago; now I just accepted that it was just part of Bones’ scary motherfuckerness. I blamed the eyebrows. They had to have some sort of supernatural powers. Bones always seemed to know when I was hurting.
“Kid.”
“Bo---”
“Look. I don’t mean to pry, but you said two weeks. TWO WEEKS? You need to be down here yesterday. You haven’t met little Jojo yet. She’s...” Bones’ voice trailed off and I fought the burst of jealousy that I felt at his expression.
“I know, man. I’ll be around in a bit. I’m gonna meet my boss, then come on out and meet your sprog.” I tried the big, fake grin.
Bones’ eyes narrowed. Shit. I knew better than to try and fake anything around this man. “Look, kid. I’m not...” He huffed out a breath. I heard Nyota in the background, and Bones’ eyes cut to the left, softening. “Jimmy. Kid. You’re sure this is what you want to do?”
I rolled my eyes. “Please tell me you’re not going to try to lecture me now, Bones. It’s a done deal. My five years were up. Chris didn’t like it, but there wasn’t much that he could do to change it. You know.... you know I tried to make it work.” My voice cracked and it was my turn to look away. “I think that this will be a good change, Bones. Something just different enough that I can... I don’t know. My only other choice was mouldering somewhere in a classroom.”
Bones winced. Yeah, we agreed on that pretty well. Neithe r of us had much faith in my teaching abilities. Hell, Chris had only offered so that he could keep his eye on me. His relief when I declined had been pretty damn obvious.
“Look. Kiss the wife and spawn for me, man. I’m gonna catch a nap before I get there.”
Bones opened his mouth to argue but I disconnected the comm link, turning it off and putting it in my pocket.
Truth was, the offer was too good to let go. A shipping company based near Chicago had been looking for someone to help them in the private sector. I hadn’t met the guy I’d be working with yet, but the boss was a wickedly hot, completely ball-busting woman that who only introduced herself as Ms. Dehner. We hadn’t actually met in person, but even via comm link she had this eerie way almost looking into my brain like she knew it better than I did. She had apparently heard through an old friend that I was looking for something new, and hadn’t waited in wooing me for her company.
In fact, it had been her who had called me during the meeting on Vulcan. If nothing else, that tiny coincidence made me think that maybe there was a point to that whole clusterfuck.
And she was paying pretty well, too.
I would working with one other guy, sharing a small ship two-person ship. We were basically just security when she needed it- whether it was an escort for a dignitary from one planet to another, or for a shipment of minerals that needed to make it intact through the Neutral zone. As an extra incentive against robbing her blind, the two of us split a percentage of each successful shipment that made it back to Dehner.
I nodded off, surprised that I was able to sleep. I hadn’t exactly been used to getting a full eight hours lately. Even more surprisingly, I woke with more energy than I had in weeks. I even ordered some food, and when I disembarked in Chicago, I was in a pretty decent mood.
The directions her secretary had given me were perfect, and almost before I knew it I was opening the door of a smooth, sleek looking office building. The logo, ‘Dehner Shipping’ was tastefully on the wall behind the receptionist's desk. Neither the receptionist nor the man talking to her noticed when I walked inside. The man’s laugh was rich, full-bodied as it rolled out, and I found my lips twitching in a grin almost before I could help it. I shifted my duffel bag on my shoulder, and stared at the two of them, politely waiting my turn.
The man was bent slightly over the desk so that he could flirt with the pretty red-headed receptionist. He wore a beaten-up leather jacket that lifted slightly at his waist, showing the bulge of a phaser as he leaned against the desk. I felt my eyebrows raise. Most people wouldn’t have noticed it, but I suppose that had been somewhat of a job hazard for me. I noticed when people were armed. His phaser didn’t look like it was ‘Fleet issued, which made me smirk. The receptionist’s giggle made me jerk my eyes up to them, and for the first time I noticed the ponytail down his back.
But it was the ears that caused me to completely freeze, my throat tightening so quickly that I couldn’t breathe.
I must have made some sound, because he turned slightly, looking at me with one eyebrow ticked in a way that hit me like a punch to the gut. The receptionist finally clued in to the fact that they weren’t alone in the lobby, and with a startled cough smiled at me. I hardly noticed.
The man wasn’t a man at all, but obviously Vulcanoid. I wasn’t sure if he was a Romulan or a Vulcan, or some mutt mix of the two, but actually took a step backwards when he pushed himself off up the desk, turning fully to face me, hand outstretched in welcome.
“Why, hi there! Kirk, isn’t it? I remember you from the whole saving the universe thing.” His voice was rich, and brutally familiar. I had spent enough time between my ex-betrothed, the xenolinguistics club on campus, and Nyota McCoy that I knew a Vulcan’s speech patterns when I heard them, but the wide, welcoming grin on his face was confusing as fuck.
“Guess we’ll be working together for a bit, eh? Well you could do worse. I’m pretty incredible, if I do say so myself. And I do. Right, Tasha?” The receptionist giggled and I jerked in place when he reached out for my hand, his uncomfortably warm in my own. “My name is Sybok and ---”
His eyes widened and he dropped my hand as though I had burned him. I felt the same. The creepy-crawling feeling that usually hit me when someone touched me was almost overwhelming.
The spike of pain in my head caused my stomach to roll unpleasantly. The almost-content feeling that I had enjoyed from the transport had completely evaporated. Vaguely, as though through a long tunnel, I heard the perky receptionist say something, and his deep voice respond. I shook my head once, trying to focus on the conversation, trying to push back the weird feelings that swamped me. It was too much. I heard the Vulcan’s startled curse as my eyes rolled back in my head and then I couldn’t hear much of anything at all.
*******
“Liz. Look, I don’t really give a fuck. You have no idea... no fucking idea what’s wrong with this kid. You’re lucky his brains didn’t leak out of his goddamn ears when we met.”
I blinked, freezing. The hum of the ship was unfamiliar, much higher-pitched than my own Enterprise. Cautiously, I opened my eyes, carefully not changing my breathing. I recognized his voice, but frankly what he was saying was too damn interesting to not try to play possum for a little bit longer. I heard Dehner’s response: cool. Almost cold. Certainly not very happy-sounding.
Sybok sighed. My eyes bugged out in the darkness. The idea of a Vulcan sighing was just too damn crazy to believe, let alone what he was actually saying. I felt like I was on one of those candid-camera holos. “Liz. Come on. You know you owe me. Give me three days. I’ll be back and we can go on per the usual. But if you don’t let me try to fix this shit, this kid is gonna be smoke. Poof.”
I was uncomfortably aware that I had to pee.
“No.. I don’t think so. From what I know he seems like a pretty reasonable guy. It’s just one of those weird, fucked-up things.” Again, the sigh. I sat up, turning towards the Vulcan at the desk. He was sitting with his elbows on the surface, rubbing at his temples. Sybok;s gaze jerked towards me and I frowned, getting to my feet, not meeting his eyes.I felt like I’d been hit with another one of Spock’s fucking nerve pinches. I took a cautious step, and then another, stumbling a little on the floor on my way to the head.
I flinched away from looking at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. I knew what I looked like; sunken, bruised-looking eyes, too-thin face. I had refused to let myself turn to alcohol or one of the myriad of drugs that I had available to cope. Bones had harumphed and muttered something about damnfool infants, but I could tell that he had been relieved that I wasn’t taking that route. Still. I felt like shit. I was confused, and really damn embarrassed that I swooned. What was that? It had almost felt like a low-grade electrical current. Fucking Vulcans and their weird-ass heebie jeebie shit.
I set my jaw and made myself straighten my shoulders before walking out and facing Sybok. He jumped when he saw me, hitting the end button on the comm unit rather hastily and jumping up. He ran his hand through his hair, and it was so off from what I knew of Vulcans that I couldn’t help but gape a little.
“Uh. Hi there. There’s some coffee if you want it.”
I shrugged and went over to the small carafe, helping myself.
“Also, in the interest of inter-species harmony, I just want to state for the record that I’m not kidnapping you. Or, not just kidnapping you. I have a very sane reason for...uh. yeah. Well, the point is I’m not batshit insane and I think I can help you.”
I blinked. “Help me? With what? Getting a job?” My voice sounded like I had been gargling sandpaper.
Sybok rolled his eyes. “No! Jesus, you’re like, bleeding all over the place and you don’t even know it! Look. I know this is going to be pretty damn invasive for someone you just met, but I know that I can help you. Let me guess. You’ve had... issues concentrating. You can’t sleep. You don’t know quite what’s fucked up, but you know it’s wrong.”
“Like I misplaced something.” I froze, staring at him with my heartbeat pounding in my throat like a small, trapped thing. What. How the fuck could he... did Bones call him? Was that why he was so cool with me going out into the black without backup?
Sybok pointed his fingers at me, shooting them like a gun. I took a sip of my coffee, more so that I would have something to do with my hands rather than because I really wanted it. I kind of felt like I had been punched. He crossed to the door. “Look. We have a shitload to talk about, and you might have noticed that it’s not exactly the roomiest area in the world here. Let me give you the nickel tour, and if you still want to talk then we can do it from the bridge. Such at it is. This bucket of bolts isn’t exactly the Enterprise.”
I blinked. My head was still pounding. I shrugged . Sybok stood and I followed him out of the small door and into a dim corridor. There were three other doors; one that was diagonal to Sybok’s berth, and two at either end. Sybok stood out in the hallway, and activated the sensor for the other door. “Your room. Head is through there, just like mine. Yours is the smaller of the two though.” He pointed. “Rec Room-slash-dining area. We’re going this way.” He pointed again. “Mind that step there. I’ve been meaning to fix it. Liz would kill me if I broke her new toy.”
“Liz?” I had heard him say that before.
“Elizabeth Dehner. Your new boss. She’s not too thrilled that I shanghaied you, but I managed to convince her that you’d probably start bleeding from the eyeballs if I didn’t do my ‘Vulcan voodoo.’”
The term made me jump. Sybok didn’t notice. He was making his way to one of the seats that faced the prow. It was a tight little ship. Raider-class if I wasn’t mistaken. We were cruising on impulse I flicked my gaze at the console, but couldn’t tell where we were headed. It looked a lot like we were just aimlessly flying in the black.
“-- so okay. Have a seat. You’re pretty much overly-qualified for this. I’m guessing you know how to pilot this thing in your sleep, yeah?”
I was surprised at the smile that stretched my mouth. “Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.”
Sybok snorted, and I was speaking before I could make myself shut up. “What the fuck is up with you, man?”
Sybok stopped in mid-babble; something about the dilithium capacity. He raised an eyebrow in the familiar way that made my heart hurt and I had to swallow hard. “Ah. Well, about that.” He blew out a breath that made his bangs flutter. “Look. Do you want a drink? I want a drink. Romulan ale okay with you?”
I blinked, holding up the coffee. I shook my head no, but Sybok didn’t notice, rummaging in a side console and digging out the bright blue bottle. I noticed that he still had the little cruiser on autopilot, and shifted in my seat a little watching him quietly. It was pretty obvious that he was uncomfortable about something, and frankly it was interesting enough that I couldn’t help but give him my undivided attention. Sure, it was weird. It was weird as shit. But I didn’t get a freaky vibe off of him. He reminded me more of a kid who was trying to talk very fast so that he didn’t get grounded more than anything.
Besides. I could handle myself, Vulcan or not.
And I wasn’t 100% sure that he was a full-blooded Vulcan. Which hurt. Spock had told me that he was the only half-breed in existence. Knowing that he lied to me about something else... no. Had to block that or I’d lose my shit again. It didn’t matter. Why couldn’t I just get over this!?
“Shit. That burns a little.” He burped and sat back in his chair, closing his eyes. “Well. There’s not a good way to sort of segue into this, so I’m just gonna go for it, okay?”
He opened one eye to confirm my nod before shutting it again and beginning to speak.
“A long time ago, on a planet very, very far away... a planet that doesn’t even exist anymore thanks to one particularly fucked up megalomaniacal Romulan, there was a kid who didn’t agree with his family. Vulcans repress all emotion. Shit, they jam that stick so far up their ass that they couldn’t find an emotion if they had a goddamn tricorder and cartography chart. This kid was kind of a loner. He had one friend, but the expectations on their families made it difficult for them to be friendly. Not exactly ostracized, because his family was very powerful, but not exactly welcomed with open arms. He didn’t believe that those emotions- which don’t let anyone bullshit you kid. Vulcans feel just as much as humans do.- should be repressed. Logic was all well and good. But he didn’t believe that they were mutually exclusive. This kid- well, he was a teenager now- went on a school trip to the other side of the planet, and to his shock found that there were others who felt- felt!- the same way that he did.”
Sybok took another shot of the blue ale, sucking down a few gulps. He took a shuddering breath and continued. “So long story short- his father wasn’t too thrilled with the kid acting against all tradition. In fact, the kid’s father insisted that no one from his family contact him every again. He was vrekasht; outcast. Fast forward about twenty years. Planet destroyed. He even tries to contact his family to see if he’s needed, and is told that... well. Still not Vulcan enough. Thanks but no thanks.”
Sybok opened his eyes, staring at me with a gaze that was dark brown and just as intense as Spock’s. It made me shiver, dropping my gaze to my coffee. I took a few sips, then set it down, fiddling with my jacket strap.
“What do you know about bonds?”
The words make my stomach knot. Spock had said--- well. He had said a lot of things. I guess it didn’t much matter now.
Sybok leaned over and touched my forearm with one finger. The low-grade zap startled me, and I jerked my gaze up to meet his. “Kirk. This- I know you don’t want to tell me this shit. It’s personal. I get that, really man. But if you don’t let me help you... you’re just going to get worse. I don’t think Liz realized how .. uh. How fucked up you really were, or she probably wouldn’t have hired you right off. She likes her employes to be as drama-free as possible. ‘Specially since that Mitchell fucker. Jeez, talk about a drama queen.”
I rubbed my forearm, feeling like an idiot. “I don’t know much. I was in.. a relationship with a Vulcan. He told me that we were going to be bonded, but his family. I. I’m not Vulcan, so it wasn’t going to work out. Sp--my Vulcan told me that a bond was many things; but to a Vulcan it was vital.”
“Did you have a bond with him?”
I shook my head. “No. He wasn’t sure that my mind would be compatible. That’s one of the reasons that he wanted me to go back to the colony to meet his father.”
Sybok wrinkled his forehead, thinking. “You’re sure? No bond?”
“No.” I remembered Sarek and T’Pau talking about severing a bond, but it didn’t make much sense at the time. Spock had told me that a bond could only be made between two Vulcans with very strong minds. They’d also spoken of a Spock having a betrothal... no. No! I shoved that thought way deep, like I’d done with the others.
Sybok sat for a moment, his fingers tapping restlessly on the arms of the chair.
“So okay. What do you know about mating bonds?”
I spat out my coffee.
Sybok raised an eyebrow. “Holy shit, kid. What the hell were you doing getting involved with a Vulcan? Didn’t he tell you anything?”
I shook my head and wiped my chin and the console in front of me. I looked up only once- trying to convey what the actual fuck with my eyes alone.
Sybok sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So okay. Do you need alcohol for this? Because you need to tell me what the hell happened. From the start. Obviously Spock has fucked you up somehow--”
Hearing Spock’s name caused me to freeze. I don’t know what expression was on my face, but Sybok actually flinched back. I had reacted before I thought my way through it. My hand was fisted around the collar of his jacket, tightening without control. The rush of adrenaline was completely bizarre. It had been so long since I had felt ... anything, really. “I never... ! I nev-” my voice cracked and Sybok winced.
“No. You didn’t.” He met my gaze. That more than anything made the fight go out of me, and I collapsed back into the chair, biting the inside of my cheek.
“Kirk. Spock is my half-brother. The reason I can help you is because of that. I’m not a mind-healer, but somehow my brother has bonded with you. I can feel it reaching out to me. Your bond is desperately trying to fix itself, Kirk. It’s looking at me like I’m a Deltan that forgot hix’s pheromone suppressors.”
I heard the words, but they made no sense. “But. He didn’t! He couldn’t!”
Sybok looked at me with pity. “That’s just the thing. He did. Whether he lied to you; whether he did it without your consent or not, you were bonded to my half-brother. The bond is strong, Kirk. It’s pissed that all the I’s haven’t been dotted and the T’s haven’t been crossed. That bond is going to fucking kill you if you don’t find a way to fix it. And fix it fast.”
**
Win,
It’s been eight-hundred and fifty-six days, twelve hours, and twenty minutes since I’ve gotten to hold you. I promised you that I would write, but I’m complete shit at this sort of thing. God, I miss you though. I look forward to each comm that you send, and keep them all. The guys laugh at me for being sentimental. Is it sentiment that keeps me looking forward to your comms? Whatever. I just know that seeing them makes me happy. Each post is one step closer to us requesting to work on the same ship. I think they’re going to transfer me to the Kelvin. Robau seems like kind of a hardass, but I’m sure things will work out. Hang in there babe. We’ll be together soon. I love you.
-George
Previous || Next
Author:
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, Background (non-explicit) Bones/Uhura
Rating: Adult
Summary: Sometimes, break-ups are friendly. Sometimes, they are not. This is one of those times.
A/N: Thank you as always to
jademac2442 for beta-ing for me. I'm really nervous about this particular fic because darke_wulf won a bid on me for the fandom_helps planned parenthood auction. The prompt is amazing and I hope that I do it justice, especially since I've never written some of its elements before. Thanks to my cheerleaders: jlm121 and ninjaboots for the occasional kick in the ass. Fair warning- jlm121 told me that she "wanted to slap Spock until her hand turned green." I mean it about the angst. :) Title from Mummford and Sons song that's been stuck in my head for about forever, but it's not a songfic. This is a WIP, and I will be sticking to a update once a week schedule. I'm already at about 15k, so it's leaning towards the epic side. If that's not your thing then bail now. ♥Chapter Notes: This chapter unbeta'd.
Mandy,
I can’t believe it!!! Two weeks!?? Two weeks and you get to see my graduation! I’ve already made a list of all the places you can take me and George, since you’re the wife of royalty and all. Yes, they’re all expensive. I even found one that is a vegany, vegetabley Vulcany place. It’s called Surak’s Garden. (I laughed. Don’t lie, so did you.) Yeah, I’m eating rabbit food for you. I don’t know how the hell you’re going to raise a baby without a little meat in you. Although, I guess you had a little meat in you to have the baby in the first place- ha ha. You better be smiling. I bet you don’t hear all that many jokes surrounded by all those Vulcans! George says I’m classless and crass, and I just told him that it was all his fault. If he hadn’t left me, then you would never have moved into my dorm....
--Win
**
They tried.
But they didn’t know how to handle me after losing everything. Oh I tried. I tried to keep my shit together, but ... well. Let’s just say that recent events made making some decisions that I had been putting off for several months much, much easier to put in perspective. Not even Chris could talk me into signing away another five years of my life to Starfleet.
Scotty had given me a gruff hug. Sulu had fingered his First Officer insignia, biting his lip. He didn’t much like how he’d gotten the promotion. Nothing that I said made him believe that he was a damn fine XO. the new Captain had beamed onboard a few hours ago. If I couldn’t be on the bridge- Number One was just about the only person that I could trust to keep my Silver Lady together and pointed in the right direction. Sulu had kept his goodbyes short, still uncomfortable. I made a mental note to comm him later when it didn’t feel like I was pulling my heart out of my chest.
I couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t be here. They needed someone strong- and I.... I wasn’t...
Wasn’t...
Just wasn’t. Full stop.
Chekov was the last to see me off.
He’d grown up a lot in the past five years, but fucked if I didn’t still see the same big eyes and ridiculously young looking grin that had endeared him to the entire ship, even though it was obvious that he had been crying. Pavel was taller now, and had grown into the cheekbones and shoulders. He had practically caused a ship-wide mutiny when he’d cut off his curls on his eighteenth birthday. Now as he stepped back and shook my hand I could see his lip tremble only a little. I had a weird flash of giving him his Lieutenant pin and him making kind of the same overwhelmed, kicked puppy face.
“You will keep in touch, yes? It is wery important.” At the ‘wery’ my own jaw twitched, and the wave of what the fuck was I doing? was so strong that I had to bite the inside of my cheek for a second so that my voice wouldn’t crack. “I… Sir. Your friends know why it is that you leave us. But you must not … I mean that…” Chekov broke off, looking distressed. The ensign manning the transporter coughed. We both looked over at him, me in gratitude and Chekov with something very close to frustration.
“Yeah. Don’t worry. Bones’ll be around. He won’t let me do anything too stupid.” Pavel nodded and clutched at my hand again.
“You are.. you are sure that this is what you wish? It does seem wery strange not to have you as my Captain, Captain.”
My forced smile was more like a grimace.
“Me too, kid. Look.” I held out my hand. “I’m supposed to have a meeting in a few hours. I need to get ready for it, okay? Get checked in, find out if my plants are still alive, you know.”
Both Chekov and knew that I didn’t have any plants. Still, Chekov squared his shoulders, nodding. He took a step back and I nodded to the ensign, ready to make my escape. I saluted, and watched as Chekov rolled his eyes. The familiar sight made my lips quirk in a ghost of a grin, then the familiar bright lights took me away.
I rematerialized at the familiar spaceport. Seeing all the hustle and bustle made me cringe for just a split second. After the Enterprise, the cacophony of people talking, the hum of luggage carts floating placidly behind their owners, the outerworldly sound of announcements being repeated in ten different Federation languages made me blink in stupification. I took a deep breath, then another.
My communicator beeped and I jolted. A passing attendant grabbed my shoulder, polite concern clear on his face.
“Sir?”
His touch made my skin crawl. I forced a smile, trying not to let on that it felt like something was crawling across my wrist where he’d reached out to steady me. It was weird. Since... everything, it was like I couldn’t stand to be touched. It had only been four months. Even Bones had noticed before he and Nyota had left. The three of us had technically entered the ‘Fleet at the same time, but my rank made me have to jump through several more hoops before I could get the hell out of Dodge. Plus the fact that they were both planning on teaching at the Academy instead of cutting all ties probably had an effect as well.
Bones had been concerned, but had kept it (mostly) behind his teeth. The only fight we’d had had stemmed from Bones threatening to ‘tear the green-blooded fucker a new one’ on one of my bad days; days where it was a struggle to get out of my bed. A struggle to give a fuck about the job that I loved. A job that I had no interest in anymore.
“Fine, sorry.” I was doing it again. It had become increasingly more difficult for me to focus on simple things. The nausea made me blink, struggle for a second to remember why this guy was talking to me.
“It can be a little overwhelming.” The attendant smiled a polite smile and I forced myself not to cringe back as I nodded, muttering something about needing to meet my shuttle.
I had made Bones promise that he wouldn’t send Spock anything, not being brave enough to tell him that I had tried. And tried. And tried. All of them came back with a cool Vulcan voice informing me that ‘my ongoing instance on forcing communication was the height of illogic.’ Which, okay. That had Sarek’s influence all over it. But even I had gotten the message eventually.
It was that more than anything that made me realize that it was time for me to get the hell out of Starfleet.
The shuttle was almost uncomfortably quiet after the unpleasantly busy spaceport. I made my way to a seat and collapsed, tilting my aching head against the headrest. My communicator chirped at me, and I had to chuff a laugh at Bones’ name on the display. I had stopped thinking it uncanny a few years ago; now I just accepted that it was just part of Bones’ scary motherfuckerness. I blamed the eyebrows. They had to have some sort of supernatural powers. Bones always seemed to know when I was hurting.
“Kid.”
“Bo---”
“Look. I don’t mean to pry, but you said two weeks. TWO WEEKS? You need to be down here yesterday. You haven’t met little Jojo yet. She’s...” Bones’ voice trailed off and I fought the burst of jealousy that I felt at his expression.
“I know, man. I’ll be around in a bit. I’m gonna meet my boss, then come on out and meet your sprog.” I tried the big, fake grin.
Bones’ eyes narrowed. Shit. I knew better than to try and fake anything around this man. “Look, kid. I’m not...” He huffed out a breath. I heard Nyota in the background, and Bones’ eyes cut to the left, softening. “Jimmy. Kid. You’re sure this is what you want to do?”
I rolled my eyes. “Please tell me you’re not going to try to lecture me now, Bones. It’s a done deal. My five years were up. Chris didn’t like it, but there wasn’t much that he could do to change it. You know.... you know I tried to make it work.” My voice cracked and it was my turn to look away. “I think that this will be a good change, Bones. Something just different enough that I can... I don’t know. My only other choice was mouldering somewhere in a classroom.”
Bones winced. Yeah, we agreed on that pretty well. Neithe r of us had much faith in my teaching abilities. Hell, Chris had only offered so that he could keep his eye on me. His relief when I declined had been pretty damn obvious.
“Look. Kiss the wife and spawn for me, man. I’m gonna catch a nap before I get there.”
Bones opened his mouth to argue but I disconnected the comm link, turning it off and putting it in my pocket.
Truth was, the offer was too good to let go. A shipping company based near Chicago had been looking for someone to help them in the private sector. I hadn’t met the guy I’d be working with yet, but the boss was a wickedly hot, completely ball-busting woman that who only introduced herself as Ms. Dehner. We hadn’t actually met in person, but even via comm link she had this eerie way almost looking into my brain like she knew it better than I did. She had apparently heard through an old friend that I was looking for something new, and hadn’t waited in wooing me for her company.
In fact, it had been her who had called me during the meeting on Vulcan. If nothing else, that tiny coincidence made me think that maybe there was a point to that whole clusterfuck.
And she was paying pretty well, too.
I would working with one other guy, sharing a small ship two-person ship. We were basically just security when she needed it- whether it was an escort for a dignitary from one planet to another, or for a shipment of minerals that needed to make it intact through the Neutral zone. As an extra incentive against robbing her blind, the two of us split a percentage of each successful shipment that made it back to Dehner.
I nodded off, surprised that I was able to sleep. I hadn’t exactly been used to getting a full eight hours lately. Even more surprisingly, I woke with more energy than I had in weeks. I even ordered some food, and when I disembarked in Chicago, I was in a pretty decent mood.
The directions her secretary had given me were perfect, and almost before I knew it I was opening the door of a smooth, sleek looking office building. The logo, ‘Dehner Shipping’ was tastefully on the wall behind the receptionist's desk. Neither the receptionist nor the man talking to her noticed when I walked inside. The man’s laugh was rich, full-bodied as it rolled out, and I found my lips twitching in a grin almost before I could help it. I shifted my duffel bag on my shoulder, and stared at the two of them, politely waiting my turn.
The man was bent slightly over the desk so that he could flirt with the pretty red-headed receptionist. He wore a beaten-up leather jacket that lifted slightly at his waist, showing the bulge of a phaser as he leaned against the desk. I felt my eyebrows raise. Most people wouldn’t have noticed it, but I suppose that had been somewhat of a job hazard for me. I noticed when people were armed. His phaser didn’t look like it was ‘Fleet issued, which made me smirk. The receptionist’s giggle made me jerk my eyes up to them, and for the first time I noticed the ponytail down his back.
But it was the ears that caused me to completely freeze, my throat tightening so quickly that I couldn’t breathe.
I must have made some sound, because he turned slightly, looking at me with one eyebrow ticked in a way that hit me like a punch to the gut. The receptionist finally clued in to the fact that they weren’t alone in the lobby, and with a startled cough smiled at me. I hardly noticed.
The man wasn’t a man at all, but obviously Vulcanoid. I wasn’t sure if he was a Romulan or a Vulcan, or some mutt mix of the two, but actually took a step backwards when he pushed himself off up the desk, turning fully to face me, hand outstretched in welcome.
“Why, hi there! Kirk, isn’t it? I remember you from the whole saving the universe thing.” His voice was rich, and brutally familiar. I had spent enough time between my ex-betrothed, the xenolinguistics club on campus, and Nyota McCoy that I knew a Vulcan’s speech patterns when I heard them, but the wide, welcoming grin on his face was confusing as fuck.
“Guess we’ll be working together for a bit, eh? Well you could do worse. I’m pretty incredible, if I do say so myself. And I do. Right, Tasha?” The receptionist giggled and I jerked in place when he reached out for my hand, his uncomfortably warm in my own. “My name is Sybok and ---”
His eyes widened and he dropped my hand as though I had burned him. I felt the same. The creepy-crawling feeling that usually hit me when someone touched me was almost overwhelming.
The spike of pain in my head caused my stomach to roll unpleasantly. The almost-content feeling that I had enjoyed from the transport had completely evaporated. Vaguely, as though through a long tunnel, I heard the perky receptionist say something, and his deep voice respond. I shook my head once, trying to focus on the conversation, trying to push back the weird feelings that swamped me. It was too much. I heard the Vulcan’s startled curse as my eyes rolled back in my head and then I couldn’t hear much of anything at all.
*******
“Liz. Look, I don’t really give a fuck. You have no idea... no fucking idea what’s wrong with this kid. You’re lucky his brains didn’t leak out of his goddamn ears when we met.”
I blinked, freezing. The hum of the ship was unfamiliar, much higher-pitched than my own Enterprise. Cautiously, I opened my eyes, carefully not changing my breathing. I recognized his voice, but frankly what he was saying was too damn interesting to not try to play possum for a little bit longer. I heard Dehner’s response: cool. Almost cold. Certainly not very happy-sounding.
Sybok sighed. My eyes bugged out in the darkness. The idea of a Vulcan sighing was just too damn crazy to believe, let alone what he was actually saying. I felt like I was on one of those candid-camera holos. “Liz. Come on. You know you owe me. Give me three days. I’ll be back and we can go on per the usual. But if you don’t let me try to fix this shit, this kid is gonna be smoke. Poof.”
I was uncomfortably aware that I had to pee.
“No.. I don’t think so. From what I know he seems like a pretty reasonable guy. It’s just one of those weird, fucked-up things.” Again, the sigh. I sat up, turning towards the Vulcan at the desk. He was sitting with his elbows on the surface, rubbing at his temples. Sybok;s gaze jerked towards me and I frowned, getting to my feet, not meeting his eyes.I felt like I’d been hit with another one of Spock’s fucking nerve pinches. I took a cautious step, and then another, stumbling a little on the floor on my way to the head.
I flinched away from looking at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. I knew what I looked like; sunken, bruised-looking eyes, too-thin face. I had refused to let myself turn to alcohol or one of the myriad of drugs that I had available to cope. Bones had harumphed and muttered something about damnfool infants, but I could tell that he had been relieved that I wasn’t taking that route. Still. I felt like shit. I was confused, and really damn embarrassed that I swooned. What was that? It had almost felt like a low-grade electrical current. Fucking Vulcans and their weird-ass heebie jeebie shit.
I set my jaw and made myself straighten my shoulders before walking out and facing Sybok. He jumped when he saw me, hitting the end button on the comm unit rather hastily and jumping up. He ran his hand through his hair, and it was so off from what I knew of Vulcans that I couldn’t help but gape a little.
“Uh. Hi there. There’s some coffee if you want it.”
I shrugged and went over to the small carafe, helping myself.
“Also, in the interest of inter-species harmony, I just want to state for the record that I’m not kidnapping you. Or, not just kidnapping you. I have a very sane reason for...uh. yeah. Well, the point is I’m not batshit insane and I think I can help you.”
I blinked. “Help me? With what? Getting a job?” My voice sounded like I had been gargling sandpaper.
Sybok rolled his eyes. “No! Jesus, you’re like, bleeding all over the place and you don’t even know it! Look. I know this is going to be pretty damn invasive for someone you just met, but I know that I can help you. Let me guess. You’ve had... issues concentrating. You can’t sleep. You don’t know quite what’s fucked up, but you know it’s wrong.”
“Like I misplaced something.” I froze, staring at him with my heartbeat pounding in my throat like a small, trapped thing. What. How the fuck could he... did Bones call him? Was that why he was so cool with me going out into the black without backup?
Sybok pointed his fingers at me, shooting them like a gun. I took a sip of my coffee, more so that I would have something to do with my hands rather than because I really wanted it. I kind of felt like I had been punched. He crossed to the door. “Look. We have a shitload to talk about, and you might have noticed that it’s not exactly the roomiest area in the world here. Let me give you the nickel tour, and if you still want to talk then we can do it from the bridge. Such at it is. This bucket of bolts isn’t exactly the Enterprise.”
I blinked. My head was still pounding. I shrugged . Sybok stood and I followed him out of the small door and into a dim corridor. There were three other doors; one that was diagonal to Sybok’s berth, and two at either end. Sybok stood out in the hallway, and activated the sensor for the other door. “Your room. Head is through there, just like mine. Yours is the smaller of the two though.” He pointed. “Rec Room-slash-dining area. We’re going this way.” He pointed again. “Mind that step there. I’ve been meaning to fix it. Liz would kill me if I broke her new toy.”
“Liz?” I had heard him say that before.
“Elizabeth Dehner. Your new boss. She’s not too thrilled that I shanghaied you, but I managed to convince her that you’d probably start bleeding from the eyeballs if I didn’t do my ‘Vulcan voodoo.’”
The term made me jump. Sybok didn’t notice. He was making his way to one of the seats that faced the prow. It was a tight little ship. Raider-class if I wasn’t mistaken. We were cruising on impulse I flicked my gaze at the console, but couldn’t tell where we were headed. It looked a lot like we were just aimlessly flying in the black.
“-- so okay. Have a seat. You’re pretty much overly-qualified for this. I’m guessing you know how to pilot this thing in your sleep, yeah?”
I was surprised at the smile that stretched my mouth. “Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.”
Sybok snorted, and I was speaking before I could make myself shut up. “What the fuck is up with you, man?”
Sybok stopped in mid-babble; something about the dilithium capacity. He raised an eyebrow in the familiar way that made my heart hurt and I had to swallow hard. “Ah. Well, about that.” He blew out a breath that made his bangs flutter. “Look. Do you want a drink? I want a drink. Romulan ale okay with you?”
I blinked, holding up the coffee. I shook my head no, but Sybok didn’t notice, rummaging in a side console and digging out the bright blue bottle. I noticed that he still had the little cruiser on autopilot, and shifted in my seat a little watching him quietly. It was pretty obvious that he was uncomfortable about something, and frankly it was interesting enough that I couldn’t help but give him my undivided attention. Sure, it was weird. It was weird as shit. But I didn’t get a freaky vibe off of him. He reminded me more of a kid who was trying to talk very fast so that he didn’t get grounded more than anything.
Besides. I could handle myself, Vulcan or not.
And I wasn’t 100% sure that he was a full-blooded Vulcan. Which hurt. Spock had told me that he was the only half-breed in existence. Knowing that he lied to me about something else... no. Had to block that or I’d lose my shit again. It didn’t matter. Why couldn’t I just get over this!?
“Shit. That burns a little.” He burped and sat back in his chair, closing his eyes. “Well. There’s not a good way to sort of segue into this, so I’m just gonna go for it, okay?”
He opened one eye to confirm my nod before shutting it again and beginning to speak.
“A long time ago, on a planet very, very far away... a planet that doesn’t even exist anymore thanks to one particularly fucked up megalomaniacal Romulan, there was a kid who didn’t agree with his family. Vulcans repress all emotion. Shit, they jam that stick so far up their ass that they couldn’t find an emotion if they had a goddamn tricorder and cartography chart. This kid was kind of a loner. He had one friend, but the expectations on their families made it difficult for them to be friendly. Not exactly ostracized, because his family was very powerful, but not exactly welcomed with open arms. He didn’t believe that those emotions- which don’t let anyone bullshit you kid. Vulcans feel just as much as humans do.- should be repressed. Logic was all well and good. But he didn’t believe that they were mutually exclusive. This kid- well, he was a teenager now- went on a school trip to the other side of the planet, and to his shock found that there were others who felt- felt!- the same way that he did.”
Sybok took another shot of the blue ale, sucking down a few gulps. He took a shuddering breath and continued. “So long story short- his father wasn’t too thrilled with the kid acting against all tradition. In fact, the kid’s father insisted that no one from his family contact him every again. He was vrekasht; outcast. Fast forward about twenty years. Planet destroyed. He even tries to contact his family to see if he’s needed, and is told that... well. Still not Vulcan enough. Thanks but no thanks.”
Sybok opened his eyes, staring at me with a gaze that was dark brown and just as intense as Spock’s. It made me shiver, dropping my gaze to my coffee. I took a few sips, then set it down, fiddling with my jacket strap.
“What do you know about bonds?”
The words make my stomach knot. Spock had said--- well. He had said a lot of things. I guess it didn’t much matter now.
Sybok leaned over and touched my forearm with one finger. The low-grade zap startled me, and I jerked my gaze up to meet his. “Kirk. This- I know you don’t want to tell me this shit. It’s personal. I get that, really man. But if you don’t let me help you... you’re just going to get worse. I don’t think Liz realized how .. uh. How fucked up you really were, or she probably wouldn’t have hired you right off. She likes her employes to be as drama-free as possible. ‘Specially since that Mitchell fucker. Jeez, talk about a drama queen.”
I rubbed my forearm, feeling like an idiot. “I don’t know much. I was in.. a relationship with a Vulcan. He told me that we were going to be bonded, but his family. I. I’m not Vulcan, so it wasn’t going to work out. Sp--my Vulcan told me that a bond was many things; but to a Vulcan it was vital.”
“Did you have a bond with him?”
I shook my head. “No. He wasn’t sure that my mind would be compatible. That’s one of the reasons that he wanted me to go back to the colony to meet his father.”
Sybok wrinkled his forehead, thinking. “You’re sure? No bond?”
“No.” I remembered Sarek and T’Pau talking about severing a bond, but it didn’t make much sense at the time. Spock had told me that a bond could only be made between two Vulcans with very strong minds. They’d also spoken of a Spock having a betrothal... no. No! I shoved that thought way deep, like I’d done with the others.
Sybok sat for a moment, his fingers tapping restlessly on the arms of the chair.
“So okay. What do you know about mating bonds?”
I spat out my coffee.
Sybok raised an eyebrow. “Holy shit, kid. What the hell were you doing getting involved with a Vulcan? Didn’t he tell you anything?”
I shook my head and wiped my chin and the console in front of me. I looked up only once- trying to convey what the actual fuck with my eyes alone.
Sybok sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So okay. Do you need alcohol for this? Because you need to tell me what the hell happened. From the start. Obviously Spock has fucked you up somehow--”
Hearing Spock’s name caused me to freeze. I don’t know what expression was on my face, but Sybok actually flinched back. I had reacted before I thought my way through it. My hand was fisted around the collar of his jacket, tightening without control. The rush of adrenaline was completely bizarre. It had been so long since I had felt ... anything, really. “I never... ! I nev-” my voice cracked and Sybok winced.
“No. You didn’t.” He met my gaze. That more than anything made the fight go out of me, and I collapsed back into the chair, biting the inside of my cheek.
“Kirk. Spock is my half-brother. The reason I can help you is because of that. I’m not a mind-healer, but somehow my brother has bonded with you. I can feel it reaching out to me. Your bond is desperately trying to fix itself, Kirk. It’s looking at me like I’m a Deltan that forgot hix’s pheromone suppressors.”
I heard the words, but they made no sense. “But. He didn’t! He couldn’t!”
Sybok looked at me with pity. “That’s just the thing. He did. Whether he lied to you; whether he did it without your consent or not, you were bonded to my half-brother. The bond is strong, Kirk. It’s pissed that all the I’s haven’t been dotted and the T’s haven’t been crossed. That bond is going to fucking kill you if you don’t find a way to fix it. And fix it fast.”
**
Win,
It’s been eight-hundred and fifty-six days, twelve hours, and twenty minutes since I’ve gotten to hold you. I promised you that I would write, but I’m complete shit at this sort of thing. God, I miss you though. I look forward to each comm that you send, and keep them all. The guys laugh at me for being sentimental. Is it sentiment that keeps me looking forward to your comms? Whatever. I just know that seeing them makes me happy. Each post is one step closer to us requesting to work on the same ship. I think they’re going to transfer me to the Kelvin. Robau seems like kind of a hardass, but I’m sure things will work out. Hang in there babe. We’ll be together soon. I love you.
-George
Previous || Next
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-06-27 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-13 01:10 pm (UTC)